


Life Finds a Way

by confundedgryffindor



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Crack, Deaf Sirius Black, Eventual Jily - Freeform, Eventual Wolfstar - Freeform, F/F, F/M, M/M, Texting, because i dislike snape, but it's like pretty innocent otherwise, is it worth tagging all of that, like there are far too many sex jokes i'm sorry, rated mature for the horrendous amount of sex jokes, texting fic, there will be snape bashing, they're all lgbt because i can idk, you know what no it's not
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-18
Updated: 2020-02-15
Packaged: 2020-03-07 11:48:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 19,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18872614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/confundedgryffindor/pseuds/confundedgryffindor
Summary: sirius:you're all impossible i'm going back to bedremus:it's ?????? 8:45 am?????sirius:did i fucking stutter-a texting au of our favourite boys in uni because i love texting fics and i wanted to write it





	1. Intellectual Pete

**Author's Note:**

> wooop i wanted to write a texting fic so here i am. it's going to have multiple chapters but the updating may be sparodic as hell because it's mainly going to be a "i havent posted a fic in forever so here's some texting" thing. i really hope you enjoy nontheless!!
> 
> beta read by the wonderful [ jennandblitz! ](https://jennandblitz.tumblr.com/)
> 
> hope you like it!

**_[Group chat: The Marauders]_ **

**_Tuesday: 03:57 AM_ **

  


**moony:** pineapples grow on the ground

 

**moony:** if a pineapple is ripe enough you can pull those little diamond shape thingys apart to reveal individual berries

 

**prongs:** Remus it’s 4 in the morning what the fuck

 

**moony:** it takes 6 months for a pineapple to ripen

 

**padfoot:** moony what the  f u c k

 

**moony:** pineapples contain an enzyme called bromelain that breaks down proteins

 

**moony:** that means that when you eat a pineapple it’s technically eating you back

 

**_[padfoot changed moony’s name to “pineapple man”]_ **

 

**prongs:** Moony why aren’t you asleep???

 

**pineapple man:** why aren’t you asleep. hah suck on that. dick

 

**padfoot:** … rem go to bed

 

**prongs:** PADFOOT why aren’t you asleep?!?!?!!

 

**padfoot:** i have insomnia. this is a well known fact. you know this. you knew this before i knew it

 

**pineapple man:** hAh. suck on THAT

 

**padfoot:** seriously moons go to bed

 

**prongs:** ^^^!!!!!

 

**padfoot:** i can’t believe sleep deprivation turns me into a mother hen,, but prongsie,,, dear,,, go to bed you too

 

**pineapple man:** who knew that padfoot had common sense

 

**padfoot:** fuck off pineapple man

  


**_[Group chat: The Marauders]_ **

**_Tuesday: 12:34 PM_ **

  
  


**wormtail:** prongs can i borrw 2£ i nd wter

 

**pineapple man:** it’s £2 not 2£

 

**prongs:** I will lend you £2 when you learn how to spell

 

**wormtail:** pls im thrsy :(

 

**prongs:** Whoops what’s that I smell??? Incorrect spelling. That’s what I smell

 

**wormtail:** ths iz aphobia

 

**prongs:** Sucks to be you I guess

 

**wormtail:** Please, dearest James, may I borrow £2 for a bottle of water? I am dehydrated and I have approximately 15 minutes until my lecture starts, and I can therefore use that time and go buy a bottle of H2O

 

**prongs:** …

 

**pineapple man:** ….. what just happened

 

**padfoot:** a great moment in history, that’s what

 

**_[padfoot changed wormtail’s name to “intellectual pete”]_ **

 

**intellectual pete:** thnks for the mney prongs th wter wz rly good

 

**padfoot:** you lost your privileges wormtail

 

**_[padfoot changed intellectual pete’s name to “wormtail”]_ **

 

**wormtail:** :((

 

**wormtail:** diks

 

**_[Group chat: The marauders]_ **

**_Tuesday 2:36_ **

  


**padfoot:** alright homos who’s joining me for a horrendously late lunch

 

**pineapple man:** give me 15 minutes and i’ll join

 

**wormtail:** i hve a lectre

 

**prongs:** I’ll join in like 10

 

**padfoot:** aight i’m by the library i’ll wait for you gays

  


**_[Group chat: The Marauders]_ **

**_Tuesday 4:57 PM_ **

  


**padfoot:** uni’s officially kicking my ass and i want death

 

**pineapple man:** it’s been a week

 

**pineapple man:** and you haven’t gone to any of your lectures

 

**pineapple man:** how could it possibly already be kicking your ass

 

**padfoot:** life finds a way

 

**prongs:** At least you have a decent roommate

 

**prongs:** That Mary girl

 

**padfoot:** mate im deaf all roommates are decent roommates when you can’t hear them. i just plonk those hearing aids out and then i suddenly live in bliss

 

**pineapple man:** that’s incorrect. pete makes no noise and he’s still the worst beCAUSE HE LEAVES DISHES EVERYWHERE AND NEVER PUTS HIS LAUNDRY IN THE BASKET

 

**wormtail:** y re u clling me out n teh group lik diz

 

**padfoot:** i fucking swear to god pete i will remove you from the group chat if you don’t learn how to spell

 

**wormtail:** discrimination

 

**prongs:** My roommate is literally the weirdest guy I’ve ever met. Like he’s nice and all that but he’s also got a mini freezer full of ice cream and peas and I’ve never seen him eat any of it. Never. Not even once

 

**pineapple man:** 1) it’s been a week, he might eat them tonight

 

**pineapple man:** 2) still better than pete

 

**wormtail:** oi.

 

**prongs:** I’m done with this fighting I’m going to the gym

 

**prongs:** Moony do you wanna join

 

**pineapple man:** i would but someone hasn’t done the laundry and left a coffee cup in the fuckING SHOWER PETER

 

**padfoot:** why the fuck were you drinking coffee in the shower wormy

 

**wormtail:** i wos swety nd needd cofee

 

**pineapple man:** it’s been a week. a fucking week. i don’t understand how you can make this much mess in a week

 

**wormtail:** ur mesy 2

 

**pineapple man:** it’s organised chaos i know where shit is okay

 

**padfoot:** shit mary just flirted with me i am a Big Gay i can’t handle this. time to plonk the hearing aids out

  
**prongs:** It’s going to be a long fucking year


	2. Nothing Can Stop God

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm stress posting this chapter because i am meeting a friend in like 15 minutes but yeah here's more texting hope you like it

**_[Group chat: The Marauders]_ **

**_Thursday 8:32 AM_ **

  
  


**padfoot:** mary never stops flirting with me i think i have to make out with a bloke in front of her for her to understand that i am a Big Gay

 

**pineapple man:** you’re kinda short though. so like

 

**pineapple man:** Small Gay but Gay in a Large Amount

 

**prongs:** I’m fucking cackling 

 

**_[prongs changed padfoot’s name to “Small Gay”]_ **

 

**Small Gay:** this is homophobia 

 

**prongs:** You do realise that all of us are LGBT 

 

**prongs:** I’m bi. Moony is bi. Wormy is ace

 

**Small Gay:** you ruined my fuckigg meme pronfs fuck you

 

**pineapple man:** pronfs

 

**prongs:** pronfs

 

**wormtail:** pronfs

 

**Small Gay:** WORMTAIL WHERE DID YOU EVEN COME FROM

 

**wormtail:** lectre

 

**Small Gay:** you’re all impossible i’m going to bed

 

**pineapple man:** it’s ?????? 8:45 am??????

 

**Small Gay:** did i fucking stutter

  
  


**_[Group chat: The Marauders]_ **

**_Thursday 10:15_ **

  
  


**Small Gay:** i just woke up from my nap and i am ready to rock and roll

 

**prongs:** Did you have a nice nap?

 

**Small Gay:** i did indeed. i woke up, put my hearing aids in and immediately heard mary moaning from the shower. i then proceeded to gag until i stumbled out of the dorm

 

**prongs:** … Did you really gag?

 

**Small Gay:** no but i am incredibly uncomfortable 

 

**pineapple man:** that sounds horrendous 

 

**pineapple man:** also i need a fucking coffee pads come and drink coffee with me

 

**Small Gay:** can we get starbucks

 

**pineapple man:** sure

 

**Small Gay:** i’ll meet you by the smoking area :-)

 

**wormtail:** cn i join

 

**prongs:** Yeah can we join?

 

**pineapple man:** no 

 

**Small Gay:** no we’re having me time

  
  


**_[Group chat: The Marauders]_ **

**_Thursday 11:02 AM_ **

  
  


**pineapple man:** our coffee was great and i have now forced sirius to go to a lecture 

 

**Small Gay:** the lecture sucks and i want an aero bar

 

**prongs:** There’s a guy in my bio class and he looks like he hasn’t showered in like 4 months 

 

**prongs:** The grease is dripping from his hair I swear to god

 

**wormtail:** i wnt chinse food

 

**Small Gay:** i fucking hate this group chat why can’t we work in harmony 

 

**wormtail:** wdym

 

**Small Gay:** we’re all literally talking about different stuff at the same time it’s a fucking mess

 

**prongs:** That’s because Peter’s in the chat and he doesn’t know the basic concept of communication 

 

**wormtail:** wow u litrly nvr stop bullyin me :(

 

**pineapple man:** you’re guilty of the same thing prongs don’t put all the blame on peter

 

**pineapple man:** but yeah wormtail is going to be the downfall of this group

 

**wormtail:** suk dik

  
  


**_[Group chat: The marauders]_ **

**_Thursday 3:05 PM_ **

  
  


**prongs:** Sksjkskfjdjfff

 

**prongs:** Kashskjsjsjdjfjdjdjd

 

**Small Gay:** what’s going on

 

**pineapple man:** is this,,, prongs,, key smashing

 

**prongs:** SKJDSKSKJSJSHAH

 

**prongs:** I AM

 

**prongs:** I THINK I AM IN LOVE

 

**Small Gay:** again?

 

**pineapple man:** you’re literally in love three times a week

 

**prongs:** I don’t recall

 

**Small Gay:** ????!?

 

**pineapple man:** though this is the first time you’ve key smashed when you’re in love

 

**prongs:** OkAY LOOK

 

**prongs:** IT’S REAL THIS TIME I SWEAR

 

**Small Gay:** alrighty what’s their name

 

**prongs:** …

 

**pineapple man:** ?????

 

**Small Gay:** ?????????

 

**Small Gay:** didn’t you get their name

 

**prongs:** I did not

 

**wormtail:** hw cn u b in lov if u dnt kno thir name

 

**Small Gay:** what peter said but with actual words

 

**prongs:** To quote Pads: “life finds a way”

 

**pineapple man:** you’re impossible 

 

**prongs:** No but seriously SHE. IS. BEAUTIFUL. I CAN’T.

 

**Small Gay:** then ?? get her number ??

 

**prongs:** I 

 

**prongs:** No

 

**pineapple man:** oh my fucking god i can’t. i’m going on grindr or something idk goodbye

 

**prongs:** ???? Since when did you start with casual hookups

 

**wormtail:** yeh arnt u lik a virgn or smthn 

 

**pineapple man:** i started right this second because i’m done with y’all and i don’t want to put effort into getting new friends so casual hookups it is

 

**pineapple man:** also no i’m not a virgin believe it or not

 

**prongs** : Wow I am hurt

 

**wormtail:** wounded

 

**wormtail:** b resposibl nd use a cndom

 

**pineapple man:** what

 

**wormtail:** be responsible and use a condom god i cant believe you’re making me text like a normal person i hate it

 

**prongs:** Where did Padfoot go

 

**pineapple man:** idk mate 

  
  
  


**_[Private message: Sirius & James]_ **

**_Thursday 3:27 PM_ **

  
  


**James:** Oi where did you disappear to

 

**Sirius:** i’m trying to take a nap

 

**James:** ???? Did something happen

 

**Sirius:** no i’m fine

 

**James:** Sniff sniff bitch 

 

**James:** I smell bullshit

 

**Sirius:** seriously i’m fine just tired

 

**James:** I’m here if you need to talk mate

 

**Sirius:** yeah

  
  


**_[Group chat: The Marauders]_ **

**_Friday 7:25 AM_ **

  
  


**Small Gay:** IT IS FRIDAY MY GAYS WHO WANTS TO FUCKING PARTY 

 

**pineapple man:** SIRIUS IT’S 7 IN THE FUCKING MORNING

 

**Small Gay:** WRONG it’s 7:30 biTCH

 

**prongs:** !!!! I’M TRYING TO FUCKING SLEEP

 

**Small Gay:** DO I LOOK LIKE I FUCKING CARE? THE ANSWER IS NO. PARTY TIME BITCHES I’LL BUY VODKA AND TALK TO MARY ABOUT SOME STUPID PARTY 

 

**Small Gay:** PARTY TIME !!!!!! WOOOO

 

**prongs:** I just want to sleep mate

 

**_[Small Gay changed the group name to “PARTY TIME”]_ **

 

**Small Gay:** geT PUMPED MY DUDES IT’S FUCKING HAPPENING 

 

**wormtail:** im fukin sleepin shut up or ill remve u

 

**Small Gay:** nothing can stop god

 

**pineapple man:** pete you have a lecture in like 5 minutes 

 

**wormtail:** zzzzz im so aslep

 

**prongs:** Oh Moony did you have your hookup 

 

**pineapple man:** i did

 

**prongs:** Did you enjoy yourself 

 

**pineapple man:** yeah it was kinda nice tbh idk i went to his place, he got me a beer and we did the do

 

**prongs:** Fun times

 

**pineapple man:** indeed

 

**wormtail:** prong r u gonna get tht birds nmbr tday

 

**prongs:** SKSJAKJSSJAJSH 

 

**prongs:** No.

 

**pineapple man:** if i can step out of my comfort zone and give a random guy a blowjob then i think you should at least ask her for her number 

 

**prongs:** Absolutely not

 

**_[wormtail changes prongs’ name to “coward”]_ **

 

**coward:** Oi

  
  


**_[Group chat: PARTY TIME]_ **

**_Friday 3:57 PM_ **

  
  


**Small Gay:** i talked to mary and we are invited to some random girl’s party you’re welcome 

 

**wormtail:** noice

 

**coward:** Eyyo

 

**Small Gay:** i might have to take my hearing aids out when we’re there just a heads up

 

**pineapple man:** we all know sign + you won’t have to hear stupid drama

 

**Small Gay:** my man moony speaks the truth 

 

**pineapple man:** i do indeed

 

**coward:** I just saw the love of my life talking to slimey man 

 

**coward:** He looks like a git why would she talk to her :-(

 

**Small Gay:** “the love of my life” honestly jimbo get a grip

 

**Small Gay:** ask for her number or stop complaining 

 

**coward:** Someone’s shirty

 

**Small Gay:** i’m just !!!!!! everyone’s in love or sleeping around and i am !!!!!!!!! 

 

**pineapple man:** jealous, mayhaps?

 

**Small Gay:** i don’t get jealous only gay and angry

 

**coward:** I,,, what,, what does that even mean

 

**Small Gay:** that i have two moods 

 

**Small Gay:** gay and angry

 

**wormtail:** bruv u get sentmntal and emotionl as sht all teh time

 

**Small Gay:** i don’t recall

  
  


**_[Group chat: PARTY TIME]_ **

**_Friday 11:26 PM_ **

  
  


**Small Gay:** theres this really niec girl here and were bonding about being gay and having GREAT hair

 

**Small Gay:** oof i think it’s the host and her gilrfreind

 

**pineapple man:** prongs just saw someone, stared at them for a solid five seconds, went red and then downed four shots of tequila 

 

**coward:** Party tumeeee whoopio im havng a graet time !!!!! Pads u wana dnace w me

 

**wormtail:** smone gt prongs a watr

 

**pineapple man:** i can’t tell if you’re sober or texting normally pete

 

**wormtail:** ive had a ber

 

**Small Gay:** moony are ypu still with prong

 

**pineapple man:** _ [img.4 drinkingwatersipsip] _

 

**pineapple man:** we drink responsibly in this house

 

**prongs:** Slajks moony u jsut took like 5 jager shots

 

**pineapple man:** i don’t get affected like you morons i know how to handle my liquor 

 

**Small Gay:** high five on that moons i’ve had a bottle of wine and a shot and i am A-okay

 

**wormtail:** a bttle???? hw r u still alive

 

**Small Gay:** it’s one of the great powers that come with being god

 

**Small Gay:** alcohol tolerance, great hair and sleep deprivation = god

 

**Small Gay:** which obviously means that moony’s a god i mean look at him

  
**pineapple man:** damn right i am


	3. Peter You Rat You Ruined It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoop the people wanted it and i provide
> 
> beta read by [ jenn ](https://jennandblitz.tumblr.com/) as usual!

**_[Group chat: PARTY TIME]_ **

**_Saturday 12:03 PM_ **

  
  


**_[Small Gay changed the group name to “hangover time”]_ **

  
  


**Small Gay:** alrighty my dudes who’s alive and who needs a greasy breakfast 

 

**coward:** Hhhehsjffffg

 

**pineapple man:** ughhhhhhh 

 

**wormtail:** im fine

 

**Small Gay:** what happened to your alcohol tolerance moony i thought we were gods together 

 

**pineapple man:** a bottle of jäger and some tequila (thank you for forcing me prongs i hate you) happened 

 

**Small Gay:** w e a k

 

**coward:** Stop texting so fast I’m getting whiplash and I’m trying not to vomit

 

**Small Gay:** !!! i’m going out for a greasy fucking breakfast who’s joining

 

**pineapple man:** fuck yeah lemme just wake up first

 

**wormtail:** ill joun

 

**coward:** No. No don’t talk about food

 

**Small Gay:** oi jim why did you even drink so much

 

**coward:** No reason

 

**Small Gay:** james

 

**coward:** … I saw the love of my life and didn’t trust myself with being sober

 

**pineapple man:** oh my god that was what you were staring at 

 

**coward:** yah

  
  


**_[Group chat: hangover time]_ **

**_Saturday 12:58 PM_ **

  
  


**pineapple man:** my head is still fucking pounding

 

**pineapple man:** but these fucking baked beans mate 

 

**pineapple man:** they’re something else

 

**pineapple man:** they almost make me forget about my splitting headache 

 

**Small Gay:** i think wormtail is too busy eating for him to notice us sitting with our phones up

 

**coward:** ,,Please,,, Don’t talk about food,,, my poor stomach

 

**pineapple man:** mmmmmmm buttered toast

 

**coward:** Moony I swear to fuck I will kick your chins

 

**coward:** Shins***

 

**pineapple man:** chins??????? what the fuck last time i checked i had one chin 

 

**wormtail:** u hve a rlly impresve doble chin tho its kinda wack consdrin how skinny u r

 

**Small Gay:** trUTH

 

**pineapple man:** i am not skinny i have muscles okay i work out

 

**coward:** You haven’t gone to the gym in like a month 

 

**pineapple man:** don’t judge my habits i’ll go when padfoot comes with us

 

**Small Gay:** no

 

**pineapple man:** then that’s a no from me too

 

**Small Gay:** anYWAYS may i create a new group with some ladies i met last night

 

**pineapple man:** sure i need new friends anyways

 

**wormtail:** wtevr

 

**coward:** I’m immediately going to mute it but yeah whatever 

 

**Small Gay:** it’s going to be real awkward if they don’t remember me lol we had a lot of wine

 

**Small Gay:** me and the gals. all drinking out of a bottle each, smoking hand rolled cigarettes as i tried to hear them with my shit hearing aids

  
  


**_[Sirius Black created group “ms keisha”]_ **

 

**_[Sirius Black added Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Marlene Mckinnon, Dorcas Meadowes, Lily Evans and James Potter]_ **

 

**_Saturday 1:14 PM_ **

  
  


**Sirius Black:** good morning ladies i hope y’all remember me

 

**Sirius Black:** i forced my friends to all befriend you lot 

 

**Remus Lupin:** we’re hardly friends padfoot don’t be so optimistic 

 

**Marlene Mckinnon:** OH you’re the wine guy

 

**Lily Evans:** I’m too hungover for this give me 15 minutes 

 

**Dorcas Meadowes:** i literally remember two things from last night but okay hi i suppose we’re friends now

 

**James Potter:** I’m getting real fucking nauseous wowzers this ain’t good. Hello ladies I’m James and I think I’m gonna vomit goodbye for now

 

**Marlene Mckinnon:** what a great first impression i love that

 

**Remus Lupin:** it feels like i’ve been shot in the fucking head and peter and pads both refuse to get me water this is biphobia

 

**Remus Lupin:** i forgot that there are people i don’t know in this group who can read this wow that’s great innit. hi i’m remus i like to read books 

 

**Marlene Mckinnon:** yet another great first impression y’all seem great

 

**Peter Pettigrew:** re why dnt u jst gt a wtr urself

 

**Remus Lupin:** because my head is fucking pounding you rat

 

**Sirius Black:** leT’S KEEP THE DOMESTIC FIGHTS IN OUR PRIVATE GROUP YEAH

 

**Sirius Black:** also peter can spell he just doesn’t do it

 

**Marlene Mckinnon:** wowie i love this so much

 

**Marlene Mckinnon:** hi im marlene i drank wine with sirius last night

 

**Dorcas Meadowes:** i’m dorcas i’m marlene’s girlfriend and i think i sat on her lap as she drank wine with sirius

 

**Lily Evans:** I’m Lily and I want death

 

**Remus Lupin:** mood

 

**Marlene Mckinnon:** mood

 

**Sirius Black:** mood

 

**Dorcas Meadowes:** mood

 

**James Potter:** Mood

 

**Peter Pettigrew:** same

 

**Sirius Black:** PETER YOU RAT YOU RUINED IT

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Saturday 5:11 PM_ **

  
  


**Marlene Mckinnon:** it’s been five hours and i can’t for the damn life of me remember where ms keisha comes from

 

**Sirius Black:** it’s the vine

 

**Remus Lupin:** vine

 

**Peter Pettigrew:** s a doll it prbly cmes from china

 

**Marlene Mckinnon:** … 

 

**Dorcas Meadowes:** i’m

 

**Lily Evans:** Lol

 

**Sirius Black:** wormy love you misunderstood her

 

**Peter Pettigrew:** oH well fuck 

 

**James Potter:** It’s so strange to be in a group chat without ridiculous nicknames 

 

**_[Sirius Black changed James Potter’s name to two-prong fork]_ **

 

**two-prong fork:** What does that even mean

 

**Sirius Black:** wow you suck you dont even know our inside jokes

 

**two-prong fork:** ???

 

**Remus Lupin:** ffs it’s obvious innit

 

**Peter Pettigrew:** evn i undrestan

 

**two-prong fork:** oh

 

**two-prong fork:** OH

 

**Dorcas Meadowes:** what’s going on

 

**Sirius Black:** jimbo doesn’t know our inside jokes that’s what

 

**Marlene Mckinnon:** i vote to be dubbed the queen

 

**Lily Evans:** No

 

**_[Marlene Mckinnon changed Lily Evans’ name to “Scarlet”]_ **

 

**Scarlet:** NO

 

**_[Sirius Black changed Marlene Mckinnon’s name to “the queen”]_ **

 

**Sirius Black:** you’re welcome

 

**the queen:** thank you mate

 

**_[Sirius Black changed Remus Lupin’s name to “demigod”]_ **

 

**_[Sirius Black changed Peter Pettigrew’s name to “wormtail”]_ **

 

**Sirius Black:** you’re destined to be wormtail pete live with it

 

**_[Sirius Black changed two-prong fork’s name to “jimbo”]_ **

 

**Sirius Black:** oi dorcas what do you want to be called

 

**the queen:** she’s asleep in my lap but just put dorko for now

 

**_[Sirius Black changed Dorcas Meadowes’ name to “dorko”]_ **

 

**Sirius Black:** and now for the best part. are y’all even READY for this

 

**demigod:** i’m never ready with you but do go on

 

**Sirius Black:** :-))))

 

**Scarlet:** I’m scared 

 

**_[Sirius Black changed Sirius Black’s name to “the God”]_ **

 

**demigod:** oh for fucks sake

 

**jimbo:** No

 

**wormtail:** abslutly nt

 

**the queen:** what are we missing

 

**jimbo:** Sirius being narcissistic 

 

**demigod:** don’t worry you’ll have plenty of time to catch up on his shenanigans and then immediately regret that you ever gave him your number when you were drunk

 

**the God:** this is homophobia 

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> am i spoiling my readers by posting four chapters in like a week? absolutely. will i stop? no nothing can stop god (give me two weeks and suddenly you get half an update every two months)
> 
> beta read by [ jenn](https://jennandblitz.tumblr.com/) as usuaalll

**_[Group chat: hangover time]_ **

**_Monday 8:34 AM_ **

  
  


**Small Gay:** i fucking HATE LIFE 

 

**pineapple man:** what’s up

 

**Small Gay:** i woke up this morning

 

**coward:** And?

 

**Small Gay:** and thats it and now i want a nap

 

**wormtail:** moony do we hve ramn

 

**pineapple man:** do we have what now

 

**wormtail:** ramen ffs 

 

**pineapple man:** yah we have a packet of beef flavour left

 

**wormtail:** cn i hv it

 

**pineapple man:** if you buy more later

 

**wormtail:** thx

 

**Small Gay:** moony wanna have a coffee

 

**pineapple man:** yah gimme 15 minutes 

 

**Small Gay:** YAY i’ll meet you in the smoking area

 

**Small Gay** : also i don’t have my hearing aids in they were buzzing or something it was annoying as fuck

 

**pineapple man:** alrighty

 

**coward:** Why do you keep making plans in the group

 

**Small Gay:** to annoy you :-)

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Monday 8:57 AM_ **

  
  


**jimbo:** Sirius and Remus are being gits :-(

 

**Scarlet:** Marls and Dorcas are being gits too 

 

**jimbo:** #bonding

 

**Scarlet:** What did your gits do?

 

**jimbo:** Made plans to get coffee in the group chat instead of texting privately 

 

**Scarlet:** Omg my gits did the same

 

**jimbo:** #evenmorebonding

 

**wormtail:** kinky

 

**the God:** we’re all in this group mates

 

**dorko:** honestly this is homophobia 

 

**demigod:** we also ended up in the same starbucks and now we’re bonding too

 

**jimbo:** Can we please join

 

**the God:** no we’re having me time

 

**jimbo:** :(((

 

**demigod:** my hands are getting a little tired from all this terping so i wouldn’t mind if prongs was here

 

**the God:**! ME ! TIME ! no prongs’ allowed !!!!

 

**the God:** also sucks to be you moony youre not the one whos fucking deaf

 

**demigod:** true 

 

**demigod:** sorry pads

 

**the queen:** what’s up with all of these funky nicknames

 

**Scarlet:** Yeah I’ve been thinking about that too

 

**the God:** padfoot because my name is the dog star and i apparently “””pad””” around when i walk whatever that means

 

**the God:** moony because he’s got a tattoo of a moon on his shoulder and also mooned a police car once

 

**the queen:** i’m sorry what

 

**demigod:** i was 16 and piss drunk i didn’t think it would stick

 

**Scarlet:** I’m cackling 

 

**dorko:** that’s fucking hilarious 

 

**the God:** prongs because his hair looks like antlers and accidentally stabbed his hand with a fork once

 

**Scarlet:** How do you accidentally stab yourself with a fork

 

**jimbo:** I use my hands a lot when I talk !!!

 

**the God:** and wormtail because peter is a fucking rat

 

**wormtail:** ths iz ratphobia

 

**the queen:** i wish we had funky nicknames too

 

**Scarlet:** No.

 

**dorko:** omg yes

 

**the queen:** lily you will remain scarlet because of your hair, mary can be straightie, i will remain the queen and dorcas can be my bitch

 

**Scarlet:** I’m not going to go around calling Dorcas your bitch

 

**dorko:** i don’t consent to anyone else calling me a bitch except for you marls

 

**jimbo:** Kinky

 

**the God:** wait wait wait

 

**the God:** mary?

 

**Scarlet:** Yeah our friend Mary Mcdonald

 

**the God:** SKJDKASK that’s my roommate who keeps flirting with me

 

**the queen:** SKSJSKJS that means you’re the bloke who’s been “”friend zoning her””” ABHSAJAH invite her

 

**the God:** friend zoning???? i am gay i have told her that i’m gay

 

**dorko:** ADD HER THIS IS TOO GOOD

 

**_[the God added Mary Mcdonald]_ **

 

**the queen:** waddup straightie

 

**Mary Mcdonald:** Whats going on

 

**the God:** welcome to the chaos

 

**Mary Mcdonald:** ???? Who are you lot

 

**dorko:** we forgot about the nicknames 

 

**Scarlet:** It’s Lily, Dorko is Dorcas and the queen is Marls

 

**Mary Mcdonald:** OH Hey

 

**the God:** i’m your roommate sirius. i would just like to inform you again that i am gay i’m not friend zoning you, you’re very cute, i’m just not physically attracted to you

 

**Mary Mcdonald:** Oh okay sorry

 

**jimbo:** I’m,, This group is so fucking messy

 

**jimbo:** I’m James by the way hi

 

**demigod:** i think the group is great it’s giving my hands a break

 

**the God:** you’re still not the one who’s deaf mate ! stop ! complaining !

 

**jimbo:** This is !!! Such !!!! A mess !!!!!

 

**Scarlet:** Agreed

 

**the queen:** keep up peasants in not that hard

 

**_[the queen has changed Mary Mcdonald’s name to “straightie”]_ **

 

**straightie:** I’m sorry what the fuck

 

**the queen:** you’re the only cishet person in this group honestly mary Keep Up

 

**jimbo:** How did you know that none of us are straight

 

**the queen:** we’re still having coffee with sirius and remus and they are spilling the tea

 

**dorko:** it’s interesting how james realized that he was bi after making out with sirius 

 

**jimbo:** I’m sorry whAT THE FUCK WHY ARE YOU EXPOSING ME

 

**demigod:** i don’t recall

 

**the God:** i dont recall

 

**jimbo:** ?!?!?!?!?£)!?!??!!!???

  
  


**_[Group chat: hangover time]_ **

**_Monday 4:36 PM_ **

  
  


**coward:** My weird roommate has eaten his first ice cream 

 

**Small Gay:** mary is avoiding me lmAOO 

 

**Small Gay:** wait omg

 

**wormtail:** wot

 

**Small Gay:** HUSH im scheming

 

**pineapple man:** i’m scared

 

**Small Gay:** PRONGSIE what if we asked mary if she wanted to trade. she gets to room with a straight boy and i get to room with someone whos not relentlessly flirting with me and who actually knows sign

 

**coward:** … 

 

**Small Gay:** :-))))

 

**pineapple man:** as much as i’d love to see how this turns out, i’ve got to go because i have yet another hookup to attend to

 

**coward:** Honestly Pads yea, I like that idea. Lemme talk to Frank

 

**wormtail:** moony use a cndm

 

**coward:** Update: Frank didn’t mind the idea

 

**coward:** Padfoot???

 

**wormtail:** he ded

  
  


**_[Private message: Sirius & James]_ **

**_Monday 5:02 PM_ **

  
  


**James:** Oi where did you go 

 

**Sirius:** i took a shower

 

**James:** Horton hears a bitch ass liar

 

**Sirius:** jesus christ let me disappear from the group for 20 minutes without you mother henning me

 

**Sirius:** i literally took a shower

 

**James:** Why are you so angry?? What the fuck

 

**Sirius:** i’m not angry

 

**James:** Sure

 

**Sirius:** ill talk to mary about the room thing

 

**Sirius:** update: you can move your things mate

 

**James:** Cool I’ll be there later

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Monday 5:45 PM_ **

  
  


**demigod:** !!!! HELP ME

 

**the queen:** what

 

**Scarlet:** What’s going on

 

**demigod:** so i’m at this girl’s place because idk tinder

 

**dorko:** yas queen get em

 

**demigod:** NO i’m not finished

 

**demigod:** puN INTENDED

 

**jimo:** I’m sorry what

 

**demigod:** !!! i’m here with a girl who’s in my history class and we were supposed to do the ~do~ 

 

**the queen:** sounds exceptionally hetero but do go on

 

**demigod:** we started doing the tHING i hate talking about sex help BUT YAH we did the foreplay thing 

 

**wormtail:** i hte sx 2 m8 i get u

 

**demigod:** ANYWAYS i uh,, you know

 

**Scarlet:** We know what

 

**jimbo:** Yes Moony we know what

 

**demigod:** put my dick in her what do ypu want me to say

 

**wormtail:** gross

 

**the queen:** ugh yes gross

 

**demigod:** SHUT UP I KNOW

 

**demigod:** anyways we did the do for like 2 mins anD THEN SHE STARTED CRYING 

 

**wormtail:** wht did u do

 

**demigod:** NOTHING!!! i asked her and was like “am i hurting you or what’s going on” and she said “nothing it’s just so emotional”

 

**jimbo:** BAHAHAH WHAT

 

**the queen:** are you such a gentle lover that you make people cry mid shag

 

**demigod:** not really no

 

**jimbo:** What

 

**demigod:** …. as i said. it was extremely awkward and she was like “it’s fine you can keep going” sO i DiD and she just kept crying and i just asked her again if she was okay and said “i need a moment” 

 

**demigod:** and now i’m hiding in her bathroom and i am Scared

 

**straightie:** I cant stop laughing 

 

**jimbo:** I’m crying 

 

**jimbo:** Actual tears are streaming down my face 

 

**jimbo:** _ [img.34.thumbsupwhilstcrying] _

  
**the queen:** this why we all should convert to homosexuality 


	5. My tastebuds are telling me that you are concerned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i accidentally made this angsty and i am not sorry about it
> 
> beta rea by [ jennandblitz ](https://jennandblitz.tumblr.com/) as usuaaal, i just keep linking it in case someone is binge reading and suddenly wants to check our our tumblr accounts

**_[Group chat: The Gals™]_ **

**_Monday 6:04 PM_ **

  
  


**Lilypad:** Gals I am freaking out

 

**marlo:** wait i’m still crying from remus’ storytime i’ll have to deal with this in a sec

 

**dorko:** same give me like 3 minutes i need to reapply my mascara 

 

**Farmer:** Wow could you sound more like a stereotypical girl

 

**dorko:** shut the fuck up mary you use more makeup than i do

 

**Lilypad:** GUYS I’M FREAKING OUT

 

**marlo:** okay i’m good. what’s going on lils

 

**Lilypad:** !!! I think James is the guy who’s been giving me and Sev REAL judgemental looks

 

**Lilypad:** You know, the guy who keeps glaring at us in our bio class ???

 

**marlo:** are you sure???

 

**Lilypad:** I mean he’s literally crying in the picture so it’s hard to tell but I think so????????

 

**dorko:** do you even know why he glares at you guys

 

**Lilypad:** Maybe he knows I’m trans and he’s secretly transphobic 

 

**marlo:** i highly doubt that

 

**Farmer:** Maybe he just doesn’t like Sev. He’s a fucking dickhead to marls and dorcas at like all times

 

**marlo:** translation: sev’s a homophobic dick 

 

**Lilypad:** !!! He’s just a little close minded give him time

 

**Lilypad:** And Sev is fine with me being trans alrighty he’s a good person he’s just not very good at showing it

 

**marlo:** not really but okay

  
  


**_[Group chat: hangover time]_ **

**_Tuesday 7:57 AM_ **

  
  


**Small Gay:** a dragonfly uses its penis as a shovel to scoop the jizz out of rival dragonflies out of potential mates

 

**pineapple man:** good morning to everyone except sirius!!

 

**coward:** SIRIUS WHAT THE FUCK

 

**wormtail:** i jst sw moony gag

 

**Small Gay:** i havent slept all night

 

**Small Gay:** i can taste feelings 

 

**Small Gay:** i can hear colours 

 

**wormtail:** ur def

 

**Small Gay:** ive been reading buzzfeed articles all night

 

**Small Gay:** life is a lie

 

**pineapple man:** sirius go to bed

 

**Small Gay:** everything thats not materialistic is only a concept or a theory 

 

**coward:** Sirius go to bed

 

**Small Gay:** my tastebuds are telling me that you are concerned 

 

**pineapple man:** si  w h a t   t h e f u c k

 

**Small Gay:** stop changing emotions so fast my tastebuds cant keep up

 

**wormtail:** srs go t bd

 

**Small Gay:** good night comrades i will see you on the battlefield 

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Tuesday 8:09 AM_ **

  
  


**straightie:** Why is Sirius cackling at his phone

 

**straightie:** Oh he fell asleep

 

**wormtail:** _ [screenshot.4.siriusgotobed] _

 

**Scarlet:** What the fuck

 

**the queen:** i cant breathe

 

**jimbo:** Hope he stays asleep 

 

**demigod:** weren’t you and mary supposed to switch dorms

 

**jimbo:** We’re in the process of switching dorms I’m moving in tonight 

 

**Scarlet:** Are you even allowed to switch dorms

 

**jimbo:** I dunno mate but it’s happening 

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Tuesday 12:47 PM_ **

  
  


**the God:** i feel like drinking 

 

**demigod:** it’s almost 1 pm on a tuesday 

 

**jimbo:** You also just woke up

 

**the God:** whoopde-fucking-doo im on my way to sainsburys

 

**jimbo:** You jUST WOKE UP

 

**Scarlet:** Something tells me that Sirius needs a therapist 

 

**the God:** something tells me that i should drink a bottle of red wine on a tuesday 

 

**the God:** sometimes you should listen to your instincts and sometimes you shouldnt 

 

**jimbo:** ?!1?1!?!1?1!1?3!!2! tHAT MAKES NO SENSE 

 

**the queen:** yeah i’m with lils and james on this one buckaroo what the fuck

 

**the God:** my liver is the only liver that will suffer from this leave me and my questionable decisions alone

 

**jimbo:** … Fine I have a lecture now anyways 

 

**Scarlet:** Me too

 

**the God:** sainsburys have bottles of red for £5 each what an absolute banger lets get two of them

 

**the queen:** ???? sirius are you okay

 

**the God:** not since birth no

  
  


**_[Group chat: hangover time]_ **

**_Tuesday 1:12 PM_ **

  
  


**coward:** !!! THE LOVE OF MY LIFE JUST LOOKED AT ME

 

**pineapple man:** hey prongs i’ve got a suggestion 

 

**coward:** I won’t ask for her number!!!!

 

**pineapple man:** nonono. download tinder. get laid. stop ranting about the love of your life

 

**Small Gay:** yes please prongs

 

**Small Gay:** just,, one shag,,

 

**wormtail:** pls wtch ths entr thng  [ https://youtu.be/gYQNWgRbqkQ ](https://youtu.be/gYQNWgRbqkQ)

 

**pineapple man:** DON’T CHANGE THE SUBJECT WORMY

 

**pineapple man:** but honestly prongs get laid

 

**coward:** I don’t want casual hookups mate I want real love

 

**Small Gay:** aww thats so sappy i love it

 

**pineapple man:** i mean whatever floats your boat mate

 

**pineapple man:** but in order to get real love you have to ~get yourself out there~

 

**wormtail:** aka sk fr her nmbr or nme

 

**coward:** … So how do I make an account on tinder 

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Tuesday 4:36 PM_ **

  
  


**the God:** it is four thirty-six on a tuesday and i am drinking in the bathtub 

 

**dorko:** we don’t have bathtubs in our dorms????????

 

**the God:** that wouldnt stop god now would it

 

**dorko:** ??????????????

 

**the queen:** ???????????????????

 

**demigod:** hi i’m remus lupin, i am generally not a violent person but if peter doesn’t start doing the dishes i will start to throw punches

 

**jimbo:** He should be scared, Remus can really throw a punch

 

**the queen:** i dunno about you mate but that sounds pretty violent to me

 

**wormtail:** moony y r u drinkin wter from a bowl

 

**demigod:** GUESS FUCKING WHY MATE

 

**the God:** HEY i told you to keep domestic fights in our own group chat !!!

 

**demigod:** nO PETER NEEDS TO BE CALLED OUT BECAUSE I’M DRINKING WATER OUT OF A FUCKING BOWL

 

**demigod:** DO THE FUCKINGG DISHES OR SO HELP ME

 

**wormtail:** chrst ok jeez

 

**Scarlet:** Watching you four just.. Going at it like this is the highlight of my day

 

**Scarlet:** Like we don’t even need to participate in the conversation yet we still get some decent chuckles out of it

 

**dorko:** speak for yourself lils i’m fucking cackling 

 

**the queen:** i can attest she sounds like a witch

 

**dorko:** the tarot cards are helping me to get to my final form

 

**straightie:** I still think the tarot cards are bullshit

 

**dorko:** the tarot cards are telling me that you’re a bitch

 

**straightie:** !! I call bs !!!

 

**dorko:** whoop my pendulum is also telling me that you’re a bitch wowzers mary the universe is not in your favour innit

 

**Scarlet:** I think that we too, should keep the domestic fights in our private group

  
  


**_[Group chat: The Gals™]_ **

**_Tuesday 5:00 PM_ **

  
  


**dorko:** hey mary my tarot cards and pendulum are telling me that you’re a bitch

 

**Lilypad:** !!! What the fuck !!!

 

**marlo:** can i just say that she literally whipped out both her tarot cards and the pendulum 

 

**marlo:** and both did indeed say that mary is a bitch

 

**marlo:** but in a more ~conservative~ way

 

**Farmer:** ????!??? Do the tarot cards even have a quote-unquote “”””bitch card””””

 

**dorko:** yes a homemade one

 

**dorko:** _ [img.3.homemademaryisabitch] _

 

**Lilypad:** Sksjkssksk I’m scREAMING

 

**marlo:** i lOve how you literally wrote “quote-unquote” are you okAy

 

**Farmer:** Have I ever been okay

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Tuesday 6:07 PM_ **

  
  


**jimbo:** Sirius is absolutely hammered 

 

**jimbo:** He’s sitting on the floor by his bed, headphones plugged in, hugging two empty wine bottles 

 

**demigod:** is he okay

 

**jimbo:** Wait let me ask

 

**jimbo:** Test results came in and they say that Padfoot is in fact, not okay

 

**Scarlet:** Those messages were 3 seconds apart did you even ask

 

**jimbo:** I didn’t have to

 

**jimbo:** _ [img.9.cryingintoawinebottle] _

 

**the queen:** i want to laugh but i feel bad for him 

 

**dorko:** james give him a hug don’t just !!! take pictures !!! take care of your friend !!!

 

**jimbo:** We are now cuddling on the floor but he won’t tell me what’s going on

 

**dorko:** i mean it’s something 

 

**demigod:** we love and appreciate you sirius 

 

**the queen:** we’ve only had one in real life conversation but ^^^^^^

 

**Scarlet:** ^^^^^^^^^

 

**dorko:** ^^^ :-)

 

**wormtail:** ew do u gve thm nses

 

**dorko:** do i what now

 

**demigod:** give them noses

 

**dorko:** oh yEah :-))

  
**wormtail:** ew 


	6. Shut up Beard Grower

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god i am a fucking comedy _king_ (lmao jk but this chapter is rather hilarious)
> 
> beta read by the lovely [ jennandblitz ](https://jennandblitz.tumblr.com/)

**_[Group chat: hangover time]_ **

**_Wednesday 10:47 AM_ **

  
  


**coward:** So Sirius

 

**coward:** Wanna tell us what happened yesterday 

 

**Small Gay:** im omw to a lecture ill tell you later 

 

**pineapple man:** ??? this is a first

 

**wormtail:** rnt u hungvr

 

**Small Gay:** not really no

 

**pineapple man:** not hungover and going to a lecture. life seems to be going okay for you right now

 

**Small Gay:** give me 2 hours and it will have gone downhill

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Wednesday 12:34 PM_ **

  
  


**the God:** first of all thank you for the love confessions i appreciate it

 

**the God:** second of all, a random, very greasy looking bloke just sneered at my pride pin and told me that its “inappropriate to flaunt such habits”

 

**the God:** its inappropriate to look as if you havent showered in 3 months too but here we are lad !!

 

**jimbo:** I think that might’ve been the greasy bloke in my bio class who keeps sneering at me

 

**the queen:** lowkey sounds like sev

 

**Scarlet:** !! Stop attacking Sev

 

**the queen:** i’M SORRY but you know what i think about him

 

**jimbo:** Who’s Sev?

 

**Scarlet:** My childhood friend 

 

**the God:** sounds feisty

 

**the God:** im going to go to the store and look for more pride pins out of spite

 

**demigod:** oif get one for me too

 

**the God:** moony where the fuck did you come from

 

**demigod:** my spiteful senses were tingling so i came running

 

**jimbo:** Speaking of rUnning Moony please come with me to the gym I need someone to spot me :( 

 

**demigod:** uughhhhhhh fiNe

 

**jimbo:** Also Pads can you buy a nerf gun for me I’ll give you the money later

 

**the God:** why do you want a nerf gun

 

**jimbo:** No particular reason I just want one

 

**the God:** sounds fake but ok

 

**the queen:** omg i want a pride pin too i wonder if they have them at tesco

 

**the God:** they dont i already checked

 

**the queen:** nvm then my budget extends to tesco i can’t afford other shit

  
  


**_[Group chat: hangover time]_ **

**_Wednesday 2:15 PM_ **

  
  


**pineapple man:** fuck the gym and fuck healthy lifestyles i want a snickers and a jack daniel’s

 

**coward:** I can’t believe you Moony. You eat worse than I do, you haven’t been to the gym in like a month, you look like a fucking TWIG

 

**coward:** And you can STILL bench more than me 

 

**coward:** It’s wholly unfair

 

**pineapple man:** me: exists. prongs: i’M TRIGGERERREED !!!!!!!

 

**coward:** Basically yeah

 

**wormtail:** [ https://youtu.be/zI_Td-nzN30 ](https://youtu.be/zI_Td-nzN30)

 

**Small Gay:** why does someone not know how to flush the toilet after theyve had a SHET

 

**coward:** It wasn’t me :(

 

**Small Gay:** well it was fucking one of yus

 

**pineapple man:** DASGOSTANG

 

**coward:** DESGOSTENG

 

**Small Gay:** !! DESGOSTANG 

 

**wormtail:** wht hv i dne

 

**Small Gay:** art

 

**pineapple man:** i love how we all spell it differently that’s just rad innit

  
  


**_[Private message: Sirius & James]_ **

**_Wednesday 2:39 PM_ **

  
  


**James:** Wanna tell me why you were crying yesterday 

 

**Sirius:** i got your nerf gun

 

**James:** Thanks. Now tell me

 

**Sirius:** how about no

 

**James:** We’re not doing this please just tell me

 

**Sirius:** FINE

 

**James:** ????

 

**Sirius:** im gathering courage hakuna your tatas

 

**James:** Fine

 

**Sirius:** i may or may not like someone and he doesnt like me back so i tried to drink away the love but it didnt work and i started crying instead and i will end you if you tell anyone 

 

**James:** !!!!! What’s his name !!!! Have I met him?!!!!!!

 

**Sirius:** no and no im not exposing myself further than this

 

**Sirius:** now if youll excuse me i have a bed waiting to be napped in

 

**James:** :(

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Wednesday 5:03 PM_ **

  
  


**dorko:** honestly who the fuck would date a scorpio 

 

**the queen:** baby what the fuck

 

**demigod:** what where did that come from

 

**the God:** i feel,,, attacked,, in my own,,, DoJo

 

**dorko:** sksjsksj are you a scorpio

 

**the God:** yes

 

**dorko:** eW begone thot 

 

**the God:** my owN DOJO

 

**dorkas:** wait what’s your moon and rising?

 

**the queen:** dorko we’re not doing this right now

 

**dorko:** fuck yeah we are i don’t care

 

**the God:** wait let me check

 

**jimbo:** What are you lot on about

 

**dorko:** your zodiacs

 

**Scarlet:** She needs to know that shit before she befriends them idk 

 

**dorko:** i’m a witch who loves astrology leave me alone !!

 

**the God:** uHhh it says sun in scorpio, rising in aries and moon in virgo

 

**the queen:** she’s squinting at her phone

 

**the queen:** she’s still squinting 

 

**dorko:** it’s acceptable but not ideal

 

**dorko:** jimbo and remus what are your signs

 

**demigod:** uh give me five minutes 

 

**jimbo:** ???? Eh sun Aries, moon Leo and rising Aquarius 

 

**dorko:** eW why do y’all have the worst signs

 

**demigod:** sun pisces, moon sagittarius and rising in aquarius 

 

**dorko:** you’re the most acceptable remus

 

**demigod:** i’m honoured 

 

**wormtail:** m gemini bt idk abt th othr stf

 

**dorko:** i’m cancer and marls is a virgo it was Meant To Be

 

**the God:** i know jack shi 

 

**the God:** PRONGS WHAT THE FUCK

 

**jimbo:** :)

 

**the God:** YOU ABSOLUTE TWAT WHY DID YOU SHOOT ME

 

**jimbo:** I don’t recall

 

**the God:** ?!?!?!?!?!?????

 

**jimbo:** .. I wanted your attention. I got your attention. Now when I have it, do you feel like ordering curry

 

**the God:** YOU COULDVE TEXTED FIRST

 

**the God:** OR POKED MY SHOULDER AND ASKED

 

**jimbo:** I don’t recall

 

**demigod:** is that the reason why you wanted a nerf gun

 

**jimbo:** Yes

 

**demigod:** what an absolute madlad i stan

  
  


**_[Group chat: hangover time]_ **

**_Thursday 2:07 AM_ **

  
  


**Small Gay:** do you know whats unfair

 

**Small Gay:** the fact that both prongs and moony can grow full beards at the ripe age of 20 while i get like sideburns, four wisps of hair on my chin and a weak moustache 

 

**Small Gay:** like i too, want to be able to grow a full beard, and you little shits throw that ability away by shaving it off

 

**coward:** Sirius it’s 2 am what the fuck

 

**Small Gay:** shut up beard grower 

 

**Small Gay:** i shall go to bed when im granted with the ability to grow an epic, long, black fucking beard

 

**_[pineapple man changed coward’s name to “beard grower”]_ **

 

**pineapple man:** it’s not my fault that i’m like a fucking werewolf or something 

 

**wormtail:** m w pads on ths 1

 

**wormtail:** i gt my frst fce hairs wen i wos 15 n it dsnt gt beter 

 

**wormtail:** s lke smll wsps of hair

 

**beard grower:** Please can we all just,, go to bed

 

**Small Gay:** i am Infuriated right now prongs i just want my beard

 

**beard grower:** Please.. Sleep….

 

**Small Gay:** no im cold because of my lack of beard

 

**pineapple man:** christ padfoot drop the beard already

 

**Small Gay:** :((((( but i want one

 

**pineapple man:** it’s also 2:30 am i don’t feel like a beard rant right now

 

**Small Gay:** :((((((((((

 

**beard grower:** … I don’t know how to handle this in any other way than offering a hug

 

**beard grower:** Padfoot do you want a hug

 

**Small Gay:** .. yes 

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Thursday 3:02 AM_ **

  
  


**jimbo:** Did y’all know that when Sirius sleeps next to another person he puts his hand on their chest to feel them breathing

 

**jimbo:** Because he can’t hear it

 

**demigod:** why the fuck aren’t you asleep prongs

 

**Scarlet:** That’s so fucking wholesome I love it

 

**jimbo:** I’m half asleep I just wanted to share this vital and cute information 

 

**Scarlet:** It is indeed, very adorable 

 

**jimbo:** Like he wanted a hug so he went to my bed, and then he fell asleep here and he’s kept his hand on my chest the entire time it’s!! So cute

 

**Scarlet:** It lowkey sounds like you’re dating

 

**jimbo:** Lmao no he’s like my brother

 

**jimbo:** And he likes someone else

 

**pineapple man:** what why did i not know this

 

**jimbo:** FUCK NO I WASNT ALLOWED TO TELL ANYONE SHIT

 

**Scarlet:** That’s some fifth grader shit right there

  
**jimbo:** HE WILL GENUINELY END ME FCUK


	7. Prongs is actually three children in a trench coat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck i make myself laugh a lOt when i write and proofread these things honeslty  
> comedy king
> 
> beta read by the beautiful [ jennandblitz](https://jennandblitz.tumblr.com/) as usuaaal

**_[Private message: Sirius & James]_ **

**_Thursday 9:32 AM_ **

  
  


**Sirius:** i fucking told you not to tell anyone you bowl of crusty porridge 

 

**Sirius:** i know its some fucking “fifth grader shit” but i didnt want anyone to know and i dont fucking care what your excuse is. i didn’t want anyone to know

 

**James:** I don’t see what the big deal is?? It’s not like you should be ashamed of the fact that you have feelings 

 

**Sirius:** im not ashamed you asshat, and its not about that. i told you not to tell anyone and you fucking did it anyways 

 

**James:** Look, I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to say anything about it. I don’t get why you’re so mad though, it’s not like the guy you like knows me. It’s not really a big deal

 

**Sirius:** IT DOESNT MATTER ALRIGHT? i told you i didnt want anyone to know and it feels like a really big fucking deal to me

 

**James:** But why is it such a big fucking deal??? You told me no one knows the fucking guy

 

**Sirius:** oh for fucks sake ITS REMUS

 

**Sirius:** okay? its fucking remus and i dont want him to know because i know he doesn’t like me back and im not going to spend the rest of the year, knowing that he knows im pining after him when he doesn’t even like me back 

 

**Sirius:** thats why its such a big deal. i cant ruin the friendship we have

 

**James:** Shit

 

**James:** Oh fuck

 

**Sirius:** yeah

 

**James:** Everything makes so much sense now

 

**Sirius:** i swear to fucking god james i will skin you alive if you tell him

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Thursday 9:57 AM_ **

  
  


**the God:** good morning class !! today i want y’all to yeet those notebooks away and repeat after me: james potter is a fucking twat!

 

**demigod:** james potter is a fucking twat

 

**wormtail:** jem ptr z a fckin twat

 

**the God:** wormtail is immediately getting no points because he can’t spell

 

**the queen:** ?? james potter is a fucking twat ????

 

**jimbo:** You know I want to argue but I think I deserve this one mate

 

**Scarlet:** What did you even do

 

**the God:** he Betrayed me, tge fucker

 

**Scarlet:** Is this about you “liking” someone 

 

**the God:** i dont recall

 

**demigod:** i’m very curious about who you like 

 

**the God:** ?!?!? i dont recall

  
  


**_[Group chat: hangover time]_ **

**_Thursday 11:32 AM_ **

  
  


**pineapple man:** whO THE FUCK ATE MY CHOCOLATE 

 

**wormtail:** u bougt choc?

 

**Small Gay:** james and i havent been to your dorm since tuesday and you didn’t have any chocolate then so ???

 

**wormtail:** i ltrly ddnt kno u bought chclte

 

**pineapple man:** … well lads, it seems that we’ve got another mystery on our hands !!

 

**pineapple man:** watson get my cloak !!!

 

**beard grower:** All evidence points towards the fact that it was Remus who ate all the chocolate 

 

**pineapple man:** that sounds incredibly fake

 

**beard grower:** Let’s go over the alibis

 

**beard grower:** Peter - was unaware of the fact that there was chocolate in the dorm. Usually asks before he takes something 

 

**beard grower:** James (me) - has not been in the dormitory of Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew since Tuesday, when there was no chocolate in the dorm. Is also on a diet at the moment (fuck you rugby) and does not eat chocolate 

 

**beard grower:** Sirius - has been too busy being a functioning alcoholic/sulking in *our* dorm. Was also not aware of the fact that there was chocolate up for grabs 

 

**beard grower:** It would seem that Remus was the one who did, in fact, eat all the chocolate 

 

**Small Gay:** jeez sherlock calm your titties

 

**pineapple man:** i do not appreciate being called out like this

 

**wormtail:** nw u kno hw t feelz

 

**pineapple man:** i just think that this whole ordeal is very fake and a rat actually ate my chocolate 

 

**Small Gay:** and that rat was remus john lupin

 

**pineapple man:** fuck off midget

 

**beard grower:** Hey! Calm your tiddies

 

**Small Gay:** ??? are you copying me

 

**beard grower:** Mayhaps

 

**beard grower:** You’ve said it a couple of times and I am just a small impressionable child who copies the older gentlemen around me

 

**Small Gay:** i’m literally only 5 months older than you but okay

 

**pineapple man:** prongs is actually just three children in a trench coat: confirmed

**beard grower:** I have been exposed 

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Thursday 4:35 PM_ **

  
  


**the queen:** alrighty LADS WHO WANTs to have a GREAT FUCKING PARTY TOMORROW 

 

**demigod:** ??? it’s at least 24 hours until then calm down

 

**the God:** FUCK YEAH PARTY TIME

 

**Scarlet:** Blimey are you guys okay

 

**straightie:** I thought it was established that none of us are okay

 

**jimbo:** Sirius being okay would be incredibly off brand

 

**the God:** i do not appreciate being called out like this

 

**wormtail:** m up fr a prty

 

**demigod:** could one be more late to a conversation 

 

**the queen:** YAY PARTY TIME SIRIUS GET THE WINE I HAVE SO MUCH TOBACCO WE CAN ROLL SO MANY CIGS

 

**the God:** FUCK YEH ITS PARTY TIME MY LADS AND LADETTES

 

**dorko:** this is a mess 

 

**dorko:** marlo get your arse over here we’re doing a tarot reading of our relationship today

 

**the queen:** but :-(( i don’t wanna rn

 

**dorko:** !!! you promised you asshat let me do a quick reading !!!

 

**the queen:** !!! you say quick but it’ll take like an hour!!!

 

**Scarlet:**! No ! Domestic ! Fights ! Ladies !

 

**the God:** no let them continue im enjoying this

 

**jimbo:** It is rather entertaining 

 

**the God:** jim youre a child you have no say in this

 

**Scarlet:** I- ??? What?

 

**demigod:** we came to the conclusion that james is actually three children in a trench coat 

 

**Scarlet:** Isn’t he like the oldest of you lot

 

**the God:** hahA no that would be me

 

**the queen:** i’m sorry what the fuck

 

**the queen:** *you* are the *oldest* ?????

 

**the God:** no need to sound so surprised

 

**wormtail:** r u sre abt tht

 

**the God:** wormy! stop emerging out of nowhere when were having deep convos!

 

**demigod:** it’s not that deep mate, but it is rather surprising that you are the oldest of us

 

**wormtail:** thts wot i sed

 

**dorko:** peter’s spelling is giving me an aneurysm 

 

**jimbo:** We live with this on the daily. Better get used to it

 

**wormtail:** smehw ths fels lik n attck on me

 

**demigod:** everything’s an attack against you wormy

 

**wormtail:** :((( rood

 

**straightie:** I hate to break this lovely conversation up, but party time! Who’s taking care of what! Party! Alcohol! I wanna get smashed!

 

**the God:** im fixing wine for me and marls, marls is fixing a party, the rest of y’all are getting your own booze because i may have money but not enough to provide for 8 ppl, sorry mates

 

**jimbo:** That’s inconsiderate of you

 

**demigod:** you’re a child. no booze for prongs

 

**the God:** yes i agree

 

**the God:** no booze for prongs

 

**jimbo:** Shut the fuck up I want tequila 

 

**Scarlet:** Wowie y’all need therapy 

 

**the queen:** thank you evans we are aware

 

**Scarlet:** I just thought I’d remind you

  
  


**_[Group chat: The Gals™]_ **

**_Thursday 5:06 PM_ **

  
  


**Lilypad:** I’m lowkey freaking out about this whole James thing

 

**Lilypad:** Like I’m pretty sure that he’s the one who keeps glaring at me and Sev and it doesn’t seem Good

 

**Lilypad:** Which makes me more nervous about the whole party thing

 

**marlo:** it’s gonna be fine lils

 

**dorko:** yeah, i don’t think he’s as much of a dickhead as you think 

 

**Lilypad:** You make it sound like you know something I don’t 

 

**dorko:** lmao no i don’t think i’ve ever actually met james so i know jack shit

 

**dorko:** but he doesn’t strike me as someone who’d just glare at someone for no reason yanno

 

**marlo:** ^^^^

 

**Farmer:** ^^^^^^

 

**Lilypad:** Yeah idk, maybe I’m just paranoid 

 

**marlo:** i mean you’re allowed to be paranoid and wary, but i think james seems like a good person 

 

**marlo:** so idk maybe just talk to him and ask why he glares at you 

 

**Farmer:** ^^^^

  
**Lilypad:** … No


	8. I Don't Need Therapy I Have /Meth/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> despite the title, there's actually no drug use in this do not worry my innocent childs
> 
> beta read by jenn as usual, i'm far too tired to link her tumblr today as i usually do (sorry jenn) but !! oh well
> 
> hope you enjoy!

**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Friday 8:30 AM_ **

  
  


**the queen:** sirius, my dude, i have a question 

 

**the God:** it is far too early for questions but do go on

 

**demigod:** it’s 8:30 am you’re supposed to be in class

 

**the God:** y’all hear sumthn

 

**the queen:** SO. MY QUESTION 

 

**the queen:** are you a top or bottom

 

**Scarlet:** ??? Marlo what kind of question is that ????

 

**the God:** i dont see how thats relevant to anything. like ever

 

**jimbo:** Bottom.

 

**demigod:** oh yeah, a lot of bottom energy 

 

**the God:** ????? WHY ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT MY SEX LIFE WHAT THE FUCK

 

**the queen:** ??? RIGHT REMUS 

 

**the queen:** it’s the hair. those luscious locks, full on bottom energy 

 

**the God:** i hate this fucking conversation stop thinking about what i do in bed

 

**the God:** i am a switch. for the record. fuck you for asking

 

**the God:** and me having long hair doesnt make me a bottom ? me liking dick up my arse makes me a bottom 

 

**the queen:** wow you suddenly made this conversation very weird

 

**Scarlet:** You were the one who asked in the first place Marls shut up

 

**the God:** THANK YOU scarlet

 

**jimbo:** I would just like to clarify that I do not think about what Sirius does in bed he’s like a brother to me 

 

**dorko:** i just woke up. and i wake up to this. what the fuck marls

 

**the queen:** I’M SORRY ! it had been on my mind for a while

 

**the God:** WHY HAD MY SEXUAL PREFERENCES BEEN ON YOUR MIND

 

**Scarlet:** Oh my god Sirius kick her and invite her when she’s learned how to be a normal human being

 

**dorko:** … yeah do it

 

**the queen:** NO PLEASE I’M SORRY

 

**the God:** sorry doesn’t take my privacy back

  
  


**_[the God removed the queen from the group]_ **

  
  


**demigod:** it was for the better

  
  


**_[Group chat: hangover time]_ **

**_Friday 8:59 AM_ **

  
  


**Small Gay:** is it irrational that i feel lowkey violated 

 

**pineapple man:** no

 

**beard grower:** No 

 

**beard grower:** And also I apologise for engaging in that convo

 

**wormtail:** wts goin on

 

**pineapple man:** check ms keisha wormy

 

**Small Gay:** :(( like i love marls but :((( her just asking that so publicly :((( felt bad

 

**pineapple man:** tell her that then? like idk i am far more open than i should be about some of that shit because i’m not open about literally anything else?? but it’s your life and whatnot so ?? it’s your choice about what you tell people and don’t yanno

 

**beard grower:** Moony you’re so profound what the fuck

 

**pineapple man:** thank you i try

 

**Small Gay:** god why do i feel like im like the butt of all drama

 

**wormtail:** jst red teh convo n wtf y wold u sy tht so openly

 

**wormtail:** sems prty rood 2 me

 

**Small Gay:** wow y’all are being very supportive of this i thought you would cal me dramatic 

 

**Small Gay:** call, even

 

**pineapple man:** you’re always dramatic. like yesterday. unnecessary dramatics. but we get it

 

**beard grower:** I wouldn’t appreciate anyone talking about my sex life that publicly either so yanno

 

**wormtail:** i dnt liek sex at al but whtevz

 

**wormtail:** s ur life

  
  


**_[Group chat: The Gals™]_ **

**_Friday 9:00 AM_ **

  
  


**marlo:** i feel like i overstepped and now i am the Big Anxiety 

 

**Lilypad:** You did kinda overstep

 

**dorko:** yeah ngl babe you should probably think twice next time

 

**dorko:** but talk to him and apologise ig it’s not *that* big of a deal

 

**dorko:** a lil violating mayhaps, but easily forgotten 

 

**Lilypad:** ^^^^ You need to get your impulses in check love

 

**marlo:** gah i hate it when you’re being reasonable and call me out when i need it

 

**marlo:** i’ll buy him a coffee and apologise in person

 

**Lilypad:** Ah look at you, being all mature and owning up to your mistakes 

 

**Lilypad:** Love that 

  
  


**_[Private message: Marlene & Sirius]_ **

**_Friday 9:06 AM_ **

  
  


**Marlene:** hello i overstepped and i am so sorry

 

**Marlene:** may i offer you a free coffee and some party planning at starbucks? 

 

**Marlene:** and an actual, face to face apology 

 

**Sirius:** sure, see you in half an hour?

 

**Marlene:** perfect!

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Friday 11:02 AM_ **

  
  


**_[the God added Marlene Mckinnon]_ **

 

**_[the God changed Marlene Mckinnon’s name to “the queen”]_ **

  
  


**the God:** in this house we love and appreciate apologies and good friends

 

**the God:** let’s all have a big ol group hug at the party later

 

**jimbo:** Pads it’s 11 in the morning why are you so excited about this party

 

**the God:** i love all excuses to take my hearing aids out and get smashed

 

**Scarlet:** I say this a lot but you really need therapy 

 

**the God:** Y’ALL HEAR SUMTHN 

 

**demigod:** i am quite excited about getting smashed as well

 

**demigod:** might be able to force prongs out of his comfort zone 

 

**jimbo:** No thanks

 

**straightie:** I love it when I miss all drama and come back to seeing everyone I know being functioning alcoholics 

 

**straightie:** Also

 

**straightie:** Should I buy vodka or jäger 

 

**jimbo:** Ew cannot drink jäger 

 

**demigod:** weakling

 

**demigod:** love a hagee bomb

 

**demigod:** jäger, even 

 

**the God:** hagee

 

**Scarlet:** I too, love a hagee bomb

 

**jimbo:** Mm sounds exotic

 

**demigod:** !! shut up !! i have large thumbs and a small phone !!

 

**wormtail:** ur spelin s ven wrse thn me

 

**demigod:** wormtail shut the fuck up 

 

**the queen:** DID SOMEONE SAY PARTY 

 

**dorko:** welcome back to the chaos love

 

**the queen:** sirius and i went wine shopping after our coffee it was a great bonding experience 

 

**the queen:** and now i am ready to get haMMERED on cheap red wine

 

**jimbo:** I’m probably going to buy some more tequila 

 

**jimbo:** I found this very exotic bottle the other week where the lid was a sombrero and I want to try it out

 

**Scarlet:** Tequila is literally the worst kind of alcohol why would you even consider drinking it

 

**jimbo:** Makes me forget

 

**the God:** makes you forget what???

 

**jimbo:** Exactly 

 

**demigod:** …. so lily do you happen to have the number to a local therapist 

 

**Scarlet:** Yeah I’ll DM you

 

**dorko:** why don’t you send that in our group as well i think marlo could benefit from some therapy 

 

**the queen:** ew no thanks. i’m good with your funky crystals and whatnot 

 

**demigod:** i genuinely spent a good 30 seconds thinking that the “”funky crystals”” were meth and i’m

 

**demigod:** “I DON’T NEED THERAPY I HAVE /METH/“

 

**the God:** HAHSHAHAHA MOONY WHAT THE FUCK

 

**Scarlet:** HA

 

**Scarlet:** Honestly wouldn’t put it past Marlo to try meth 

 

**demigod:** took me far longer than it should have to remember that dorcas is a self proclaimed witch

 

**dorko:** ex fucking scuse you i am a real witch thank you very much

 

**the queen:** and i would not try meth fuck you very much

 

**the queen:** can’t ruin this perfect skin and these perfect teeth

 

**Scarlet:** You smoke like half a pack of cigs a day

 

**the queen:** and suddenly i went deaf

 

**the God:** welcome to the life of nothingness 

  
  


**_[Group chat: hangover time]_ **

**_Friday 16:09 AM_ **

  
  


**beard grower:** Padfoot

 

**Small Gay:** yes

 

**beard grower:** Why

 

**beard grower:** Why do you own a very sheer blouse 

 

**Small Gay:** the black one with flowers on it?

 

**beard grower:** Yes???

 

**Small Gay:** it was cute and looked good with moonys hat so i bought it and haven’t worn it since cause it is just

 

**Small Gay:** a lot of nip

 

**pineapple man:** OH YES that shirt looked really good on you with my hat honestly 

 

**pineapple man:** agree though, a lot of nip despite the flowers 

 

**beard grower:** It is quite see through 

 

**Small Gay:** …

 

**pineapple man:** ohohohohohooo 

 

**beard grower:** What

 

**Small Gay:** :)))

 

**pineapple man:** oh yes

 

**beard grower:** NO WHAT NONONONONO

 

**Small Gay:** 20 quid if you go to the party with said blouse and hat

 

**pineapple man:** oh fuck yes

 

**beard grower:** No I have a very hairy chest it will not look good with so much. Not covering fabric.

 

**Small Gay:** the flowers cover most of it!

 

**beard grower:** I don’t have the confidence for this Padfoot please

 

**Small Gay:** 25 quid?

 

**pineapple man:** yes please prongs we all need this in our lives

 

**beard grower:** Can I bring a spare shirt in case I get uncomfortable 

 

**Small Gay:** if you keep the hat on at all costs

  
**beard grower:** Deal.


	9. And That Protest Is Giggling In The Grass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PARTY TIME WHOOPIOO 
> 
> beta read by jenn as usual, i am far too lazy to link her tumblr today i apologise

**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Friday 8:46 PM_ **

  
  


**the God:** hold on tight gals and lads 

 

**the God:** jim is wearing a sheer blouse with flowers on it

 

**jimbo:** My chest is still. So hairy. And it is not a Look, so to speak

 

**the God:** shut up you are an Icon

 

**the queen:** wait are you at the party

 

**jimbo:** Yes I’m so uncomfortable 

 

**the queen:** shut up james. sirius wave i want to see this

 

**the queen:** HA you look great oh my god 

 

**the queen:** love the hat

 

**jimbo:** _@_ _demigod_ did you just wolf whistle at me

 

**demigod:** someone had to 

 

**jimbo:** Honestly I feel like I should be offended but it ??? Lowkey made me feel better ???

 

**jimbo:** You know what will make me feel even better though?

 

**demigod:** what

 

**jimbo:** Tequila!! Padfoot! Moony! Wormtail! Assemble! We’re doing shots!

 

**the God:** ill shot some wine instead i do not like tequila 

 

**wormtail:** wll hve ber. am gong to die f i sht teqla

 

**the queen:** then were going out back! to smoke and gossip!

 

**the God:** fuck yeah! lets get this party started!

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Friday 9:37 PM_ **

  
  


**Scarlet:** Just arrived with Sev

 

**Scarlet:** Where are the rest of you lot

 

**the God:** were all outside in the yard except for prong

 

**the God:** he was last seen snogging efgar bones outside the bathroom 

 

**the God:** edgar, even

 

**the God:** and wormtail vommed and passed out in a bush after like three beers anf a shot

 

**demigod:** yaaassss prongsie get em

 

**the queen:** remus is literally laying in the grass, hugging a vodka bottle and he is *giggling* 

 

**dorko:** HE’S SO TALL AND LIKE ??  MASCULINE? AND HE IS GIGGLING ITS SO FUN

 

**Scarlet:** Oo I better see this I’m just gonna take a shot or two w Sev

 

**the God:** bring a water for moony hes hammered

 

**the queen:** pissed as a yak

 

**demigod:** shhhshh i am at the height of srbuty

 

**the God:** i can tell

 

**demigod:** mmmmm s sobrr

 

**demigod:** pdfoot have i told you how soft ur hair is

 

**demigod:** so soft. so lovely. love u padfoot

 

**the God:** HA okay moony, were literally next to each other so how about we keep this convo going in person

 

**Scarlet:** Christ he’s drunk isn’t he

 

**the queen:** i dont think he can stand properly 

 

**dorko:** OHH he’s giggling again 

 

**Scarlet:** Have acquired a water bottle. See you in a few

 

**the queen:** must say, sirius and remus would make a good couple

 

**dorko:** marlo no meddling in people’s private lives

 

**the queen:** right sorry it’s the wine. i apologise 

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Friday 11:01 PM_ **

  
  


**jimbo:** Are u still outside

 

**the God:** yeh

 

**the God:** are u thoroughly fucked out

 

**jimbo:** HA no we just,., Snogged a lil. Drank a few beers. Talked some, snogged some more and then he left me 

 

**the queen:** aww :-(((

 

**jimbo:** Ah no I am okay

 

**demigod:** hes crudhinf on skmeone else anyways is fine

 

**jimbo:** How much have you had to drink

 

**demigod:** skdjskjsksb tooo mych

 

**the God:** im literally still sober

 

**dorko:** youve had a bottle of wine 

 

**the God:** fine. im a tipsy at best

 

**Scarlet:** Sev just left me earlier and I’m stuck w these drunk arseholes. Save Me Please

 

**jimbo:** Wowie ok I’ll be there in a sec

 

**jimbo:** Just need to get my darling tequila first

  
  


**_[Group chat: The Gals™]_ **

**_Friday 11:09 PM_ **

  
  


**Lilypad:** FUCKFUCK JAMES IS THE GLARING GUY FROM MY BIO CLASS

  
  


**_[Group chat: hangover time]_ **

**_Friday 11:09 PM_ **

  
  


**beard grower:** SHIT WAIT THE REDHEAD IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

 

**Small Gay:** lily?????

 

**beard grower:** SKDJKSJAAH WHAT YES OH MY FUCK

 

**pineapple man:** fiestyyy!!!!! talk to her! :)))

 

**beard grower:** No offense but I am not going to take advice from a drunk Moony

 

**beard grower:** And I will instead chug tequila and pass out on top of Wormtail 

 

**pineapple man:** ill have u know tht im bsicallt sobee now

 

**beard grower:** Uh huh

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Friday 11:46 PM_ **

  
  


**the God:** now that moonys been hiccuping for about ten minutes, i think its time for him and i to head back to the dorm

 

**demigod:** noo!!! am gaving so much fun!!!

 

**the queen:** remus love you can barely stand

 

**jimbo:** Party tiem!!!!!

 

**the God:** christ its not even midnight yet how weak tolerance do you guys have

 

**the God:** anyways! up and at em! were going to bed!

 

**demigod:** nooo am protesting

 

**dorko:** and that protest is giggling in the grass

 

**demigod:** DROKO GETS IT

 

**Scarlet:** I love how drunk Remus has the same personality as sober Sirius

 

**the God:** i am insulted 

 

**the queen:** still ship it

 

**dorko:** droko. my new name is droko

 

**the God:** jimbo lets go back to the dorms

 

**jimbo:** This praty snt even started yet!!

 

**the God:** i give up. can some of you help them back to the dorms? ill grab moony now

 

**the queen:** ughhhh yes fine

 

**the God:** good lad

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Saturday 2:36 PM_ **

  
  


**demigod:** there’s so much to unpack here i don’t even know where to begin

 

**demigod:** first of all, why am i sleeping in prongs’ bed and where is prongs

 

**demigod:** second, i think someone has shot me in the head and then died in my mouth

 

**demigod:** third, did i really giggle? i genuinely don’t remember anything from me taking tequila shots with jamie

 

**wormtail:** jem stll ded 

 

**the God:** good morning!

 

**the God:** 1) prongs is in your bed, i couldnt get your keys from you, you are very childish in a drunken state, so i just brought you to mine

 

**the God:** 2) theres water and a painkiller on the night stand 

 

**the queen:** i’m taking over. 3) yes you giggled 

 

**dorko:** it was positively adorable 

 

**demigod:** oh my god

 

**demigod:** i should just go back to smoking weed again, clearly alcohol and i weren’t meant to be

 

**the God:** no! no drugs for moony!

 

**the queen:** i feel like there’s something to unpack there

 

**demigod:** ha no 

 

**the God:** anywhoodles. am omw back with coffee and an overpriced breakfast muffin from starbucks

 

**demigod:** ooo yess please bring me that sweet sweet caffeine juice

  
  


**_[Group chat: The Gals™]_ **

**_Saturday 2:49 PM_ **

  
  


**Lilypad:** God I can’t believe I was fucking right

 

**Lilypad:** Did you see how the fucker avoided me all of last night 

 

**marlo:** in james’ defence, he was snogging edgar before he came out and sat with us, and the first thing he did was open a bottle of tequila 

 

**dorko:** yeah i mean he didn’t have a lot of time to actually speak with you

 

**marlo:** still had that banging outfit

 

**marlo:** do you think i could pull off a shirt like that? no. and there he comes?? and just does it????

 

**dorko:** you’re drifting from the subject marlo

 

**marlo:** right sorry

 

**marlo:** again, james is a good person. i’ve spoken to him now so i can say that

 

**marlo:** and he would not glare at you for any mysterious reason and you need to let it go

 

**marlo:** SEV on the other hand, is very possibly the reason why glares towards you

 

**Lilypad:** Stop attacking Sev he’s literally never done anything 

 

**Farmer:** Except for being a homophobic prick towards your two best friends and possibly Sirius

 

**Farmer:** Hi, Mary Macdonald. Welcome to my radio show 

 

**marlo:** you know i read that in the tone of a radio reporter and it softened the truth so much 

 

**dorko:** translation for lily to get it in her thick skull: please at least see that sev is a flawed person and you need to stop forgiving him for literally everything 

 

**Lilypad:** Fuck you

  
  


**_[Lilypad left the group]_ **

  
  


**marlo:** oh for fucks sake what did we do

 

**Farmer:** Trash on her childhood friend

 

**dorko:** trash on her childhood friend

 

**marlo:** you know i’m starting to think that it wasn’t a great idea to trash on her childhood friend 

 

**marlo:** who’s cleaning up this mess!

 

**Farmer:** It’s a toughie!

 

**dorko:** i barely participated in this

 

**marlo:** dooorcas meadowes have i told you how much i just LOVE you 

 

**Farmer:** Same but platonically

 

**dorko:** literally fuck the both of you

  
  


**_[Private message: Lily & Dorcas]_ **

**_Saturday 2:56 PM_ **

  
  


**Dorcas:** hiii boo

 

**Lily:** No fuck off

 

**Dorcas:** do you want to come over to ours and drink hot chocolate with a shot of kahlua and baileys

 

**Lily:** I know I’m supposed to be angry but that sounds both delicious and horrible at the same time

 

**Lily:** Also no I want to be angry

 

**Dorcas:** marlene bought this lavender scented candle

 

**Dorcas:** and my crystals are charged 

 

**Lily:** No.

 

**Dorcas:** i can braid your haaaaiiir

 

**Lily:** Will you stop texting if I come over

 

**Dorcas:** yes

 

**Lily:** Fine

  
**Lily:** I’m still angry though 


	10. Oh You Useless Gays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have the worst fucking writers block right now and i can barely write a drabbl. i'm hoping it'll blow over soon, but in the meantime, let's enjoy some lfaw lmao
> 
> beta read by jenn!! 
> 
> hope you enjoy

**_[Group chat: hangover time]_ **

**_Saturday 3:13 PM_ **

  
  


**beard grower:** Hajdhskahs can someone please drown me

 

**beard grower:** Genuinely think someone dropped a dead rat in my mouth

 

**Small Gay:** wormtail! what have we said about bathing in jamies mouth when hes asleep!

 

**wormtail:** i aplogse 

 

**wormtail:** cudnt help it

 

**pineapple man:** welcome back to the land of the living prongs

 

**pineapple man:** somehow. your bed is more comfortable than mine. and we have the same bed

 

**pineapple man:** might as well move in here

 

**beard grower:** What have I said about texting fast when I’m hungover 

 

**Small Gay:** i

 

**Small Gay:** dont

 

**Small Gay:** recall

 

**Small Gay:** prongsie

 

**beard grower:** Padfoot go kill yourself

 

**Small Gay:** love you too bro

 

**wormtail:** thrs painkllrs n th bdstnd

 

**beard grower:** Oh how splendid 

 

**beard grower:** You’re a good man, Wormy

 

**wormtail:** lol thyr moonys

 

**pineapple man:** why the fuck are you giving out my painkillers i need those to function like an actual human 

 

**beard grower:** Please Moony I need it

 

**pineapple man:** ugh fine 

  
  


**_[Private message: Sirius & James]_ **

**_Saturday 4:01 PM_ **

  
  


**Sirius:** prongs i think i might die from pining

 

**James:** What a fucking mood

 

**Sirius:** moony told me he loves me

 

**Sirius:** numerous times

 

**Sirius:** last night

 

**James:** Ey!! Get em Pads!

 

**Sirius:** he was drunk tho! like couldnt stand drunk!

 

**James:** But I mean! It’s something!

 

**Sirius:** he also kissed my cheek a few times

 

**James:** That’s definitely something!!! Oh my god Pads!!!

 

**Sirius:** it was probably just a friendly smooch though

 

**Sirius:** but it made my heart go ~boom boom~

 

**James:** “a friendly smooch” you hopeless, hopeless gay

 

**Sirius:** my heart is feeling things and he was probably just drunk and horny james dont belittle me!

 

**James:** Would you go for the cheek if you were drunk and horny???

 

**Sirius:** no i would go for the throat like a vampire. succ succ

 

**James:** … Not gonna question that one

 

**James:** Just gonna leave you to deduce this with your own answer

 

**Sirius:** ???!

 

**Sirius:** oh

 

**Sirius:** O H 

 

**James:** There we go

 

**Sirius:** JAMIE HOLY FUCK DOES MOONY LIKE ME

 

**James:** FUCK IF I KNOW

 

**Sirius:** NOT HELPFUL

 

**James:** ASK HIM

 

**Sirius:** HA NO

 

**James:** Hopeless, hopeless gay

 

**Sirius:** 10 quid if you ask him for me

 

**James:** Hopeless. 

 

**James:** But fine

 

**Sirius:** xxxxx love u

 

**James:** I love the 35 quid you owe me

 

**Sirius:** i take my kisses back

  
  


**_[Private message: James & Remus]_ **

**_Saturday 4:23 PM_ **

  
  


**James:** I have a query

 

**Remus:** why the fuck do you say query instead of question 

 

**James:** It makes me look cool

 

**Remus:** it makes you look like a dumbass but go on

 

**James:** Do you like Padfoot

 

**James:** Like *like* like him

 

**James:** In love like him

 

**James:** Are you in love with Padfoot

 

**James:** Moony???

 

**Remus:** how the fuck did you know

 

**Remus:** did i do something when i was drunk

 

**Remus:** prongs how the fuck did you know you’re as observant as a teaspoon you don’t know these things how the fuck did you figure that out

 

**James:** Calm down Remmy Boy 

 

**Remus:** that’s a stupid fucking nickname 

 

**James:** Your nickname is literally Moony

 

**James:** Padfoot calls you Moonbeam 90% of the time

 

**Remus:** i know it’s adorable 

 

**Remus:** I MEAN WHAT

 

**James:** HA

 

**James:** Anyways drunk Moony is fond of cheek kisses and telling a certain Padfoot how much you love him

 

**Remus:** fuck me

 

**James:** Nah I’m gonna leave that to Padfoot

 

**Remus:** ?!-?-!1?/!2? fuck you !!

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Saturday 6:02 PM_ **

  
  


**the queen:** damn i know i shouldn’t meddle in others private lives but gOd sirius and remus would make a great couple

 

**Scarlet:** I hope this isn’t meddling because I actually agree with you

 

**the queen:** RIGHTT

 

**demigod:** i mean i don’t really want to be in a relationship?? but i can see it

 

**the God:** yeah same

  
  


**_[Private message: James & Remus]_ **

**_Saturday 6:04 PM_ **

  
  


**James:** WHY DID YOU SAY THAT

 

**Remus:** I’M NOT GONNA JUST CONFESS MY UNDYING LOVE FOR HIM IN A GROUP CHAT CALLED MS KEISHA 

 

**James:** TALK TO HIM OR I WILL SMASH YOUR FUCKINGF HEADS TOGETHER

 

**Remus:** NO

 

**James:** REMUS

 

**Remus:** NO I CANT OKAY LEAVE IT

 

**James:** OH YOU USELESS GAYS

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Saturday 6:04 PM_ **

  
  


**the queen:** pity :(((

 

**the queen:** but i mean! whatever floats your boats my dudes! 

 

**the God:** haha yeah

 

**demigod:** yeah i’ll stick to tinder and grindr for now hah

 

**dorko:** isn’t tinder just very useless

 

**demigod:** yeah no a lot of straights

 

**demigod:** have it written that i’m bi in my bio and my god

 

**demigod:** people either love or hate bisexuality and i never know who hates me when i swipe right

  
  


**_[Private message: Sirius & James]_ **

**_Saturday 6:07 PM_ **

  
  


**Sirius:** do u have any tequila left

 

**James:** Yes but none for you

 

**James:** You can’t just drink your feelings away

 

**Sirius:** i can! and i will! 

 

**James:** Sirius

 

**Sirius:** look he obviously doesnt like me so. im gonna drink and cry a few manly tears, then ill get over it and start online dating or something 

 

**James:** It doesn’t?? Work that way???

 

**Sirius:** i dont care let me be a depressed student 

 

**James:** Oh my god

 

**James:** He likes you too!

 

**James:** Like love likes you!

 

**Sirius:** bullshit

 

**Sirius:** youre literally just telling me that to make me feel better

 

**Sirius:** but its fine! ill get over it

 

**James:** Sirius

 

**Sirius:** took my hearing aids out hope you have your keys im gonna nap

 

**James:** Sirius!

 

**Sirius:** night

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Saturday 6:45 PM_ **

  
  


**demigod:** does anyone want to drink today again 

 

**jimbo:** No you and Padfoot are both staying sober before you drown your insides 

 

**the God:** kajfjdsjgj too laet

 

**the God:** u are nt freat at hidng ur tequila my man

 

**demigod:** holy shit he’s texting like wormtail 

 

**wormtail:** rood

 

**the queen:** what the fuck is going on

 

**the God:** depression!!!

 

**Scarlet:** Ha I wouldn’t mind drinking 

 

**dorko:** NO oh my god

 

**Scarlet:** I’m not listening to you I’m still angry 

 

**dorko:** we apologised! in person! with alcoholic hot chocolate!

 

**demigod:** oh that sounds amazing 

 

**demigod:** would forgive everyone for everything if i got alcohol and chocolate 

 

**Scarlet:** I literally do not care right now let me be pissed off

 

**jimbo:** What happened?

 

**Scarlet:** It’s between me and the rest of girls it’s nothing

 

**jimbo:** I’m apparently a bit of therapist so you know. If you need to talk to someone who’s not involved then! I’m here

 

**the queen:** caaan you feeeel the loveee toniiight

 

**Scarlet:** Marlo shut the fuck up

 

**Scarlet:** Also thanks James but I’m good

 

**the God:** i wnat to be huuugged :((((

 

**the God:** prongss please cudfle w me inneed it

 

**demigod:** hows texting working for you today padfoot

 

**the God:** shh im depresssd nd i jsur want to be loved

 

**wormtail:** u kno i agre he txtn lke me

 

**jimbo:** Time to be my friend’s therapist! 

 

**the God:** yeesssssss muscler cudfels

 

**the queen:** HA 

 

**the queen:** what a mood though. love a muscular cuddle

 

**dorko:** is there something you want to tell me

 

**the queen:** i’m just saying that i appreciate some muscle

 

**the queen:** but you are perfect the way you are baby

 

**the queen:** really nice thighs. and arms

 

**demigod:** ??? this is a group chat

 

**the queen:** let me appreciate my girlfriend !

 

**the queen:** she deserves it! have you seen her thighs! and arms! so nice!

 

**dorko:** do you want me to come back to the dorm

 

**the queen:** yes please

 

**straightie:** I feel like I’m far too heterosexual for this

 

**the queen:** you definitely are 

 

**straightie:** It’s a pity. Girls are very pretty

 

**straightie:** But alas, I will have to admire them from an aesthetic perspective 

 

**the queen:** poor mary, being all privileged and jazz

 

**straightie:** I’m not saying that I’m not grateful for my privileges! I’m just saying that most boys are trash and women are not!

 

**Scarlet:** There are some pretty trashy women out there

 

**the queen:** she said, obviously aiming it towards me, dorcas and mary

  
**the God:** no fighting!!


	11. Thank You Encyclopaedia Evans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have gotten very side tracked from the jily aspect in this fic but it's happening i promise. it's just that i'm doing this without an outline so everything is just bullshitted together on to spot lolol
> 
> beta'd by [jenn](https://jennandblitz.tumblr.com/) as per usual

**_[Group chat: hangover time]_ **

**_Sunday 7:24 AM_ **

  
  


**Small Gay:** i think im hungover for the second time in my life

 

**beard grower:** Wonder why that might be

 

**Small Gay:** let me be a depressed student prongs

 

**pineapple man:** why are you depressed :((

 

**Small Gay:** idk serotonin just does not like me

 

**pineapple man:** :((( wanna rant over a covfefe

 

**Small Gay:** sure

 

**beard grower:** You two have a fun time ! :))

 

**pineapple man:** i’ll swing by your dorm

 

**Small Gay:** im not wearing my hearing aids today 

 

**Small Gay:** cant be bothered with hearing things

 

**pineapple man:** alrighty. give me like ten i just need to grab a hoodie and a funky painkiller

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Sunday 10:34 AM_ **

  
  


**the queen:** i take back everything i said about muscular cuddles yesterday 

 

**the queen:** dorcas is literally the best cuddler

 

**the queen:** such a pillow. so soft yet so firm. so perfect. god i love my girlfriend 

 

**Scarlet:** Ha gay

 

**the queen:** damn right

 

**dorko:** love you too marls

 

**the queen:** am soft

 

**jimbo:** Aw what an adorable couple

 

**jimbo:** Love some softness in my life

 

**demigod:** agreed, you are adorable 

 

**the God:** indeed

 

**the God:** some days i too, want someone to be soft with 

 

**the God:** but then i remember that i am but a mere bachelor, destined to die alone like my gay uncle alphard

 

**Scarlet:** Sirius are you okay

 

**the God:** weve established this numerous times scarlet

 

**demigod:** none of us are okay but it just be like that

 

**demigod:** now if you’ll excuse me, i’m going to pop a painkiller lay on the floor in my dorm and cry a lil

 

**the queen:** ????? why ??

 

**demigod:** have some funny back problems that acts up when it’s cold

 

**the God:** shall i come over and give you a massage 

 

**demigod:** ugh i wish but eh it’s too painful rn

 

**demigod:** i’ll hit you up when i need it though 

 

**the queen:** ha gay

 

**the God:** not for each other 

 

**jimbo:** Can I just say that Pads’ uncle isn’t even dead

 

**jimbo:** He just left a fuck tonne of money for Padsy Boy and then bought a cottage in the Scottish highlands with the rest of the cash

 

**the God:** jem he lives alone in the highlands with only a sheep farm and a landline to his name he is going to die alone

 

**jimbo:** He’s got his sheep though 

 

**the God:** well i doubt hes married to and/or are fucking his sheep tho

 

**jimbo:** Knowing your family I wouldn’t be surprised if he was married to his sheep

 

**jimbo:** Possibly even fucking them

 

**the God:** SHUT UP hes perfectly sane and normal fuck you very much

 

**Scarlet:** What the fuck

 

**the queen:** a sheep farm in the highlands doesn’t sound so bad

 

**the queen:** _@dorko_ wanna move to the highlands with me

 

**dorko:** fuck yeah

 

**dorko:** we’ll buy a goat instead though 

 

**the queen:** hellz yeah

  
  


**_[Group chat: hangover time]_ **

**_Sunday 2:56 PM_ **

  
  


**Small Gay:** Hello I Would Like To Purchase An Serotonin Please

 

**Small Gay:** Also An Pair Of Functional Ears While We Are At It

 

**wormtail:** y u txtn liek tht

 

**pineapple man:** I Regret To Inform You, Good Sir, That Our Serotonin Just Went Out Of Stock

 

**pineapple man:** New Ears Will Be Available In 4-8 Business Years

 

**Small Gay:** Well Fuck

 

**wormtail:** srsly y u txtn liek tht s werd s fck

 

**Small Gay:** have you ever read your own fucking texts wormtail 

 

**Small Gay:** it’s fucking illegible 

 

**wormtail:** s ther smthn u wnt 2 tel m

 

**Small Gay:** !-?:!?/&-):!/!:?/?/?/! YES ???

 

**Small Gay:** I AM LITERALLY TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW. TO YOUR FACE. TO START TEXTING LIKE A NORMAL PERSON 

 

**wormtail:** no thx

 

**beard grower:** I am fucking howling 

 

**beard grower:** Laughing at my own suffering 

 

**pineapple man:** same i’m sobbing and i don’t know if it’s from laughter or pain

 

**pineapple man:** now that i think about it it might actually be both

 

**pineapple man:** time to pop another painkiller!!

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Sunday 10:33 PM_ **

  
  


**the queen:** is tomato sauce a smoothie 

 

**demigod:** what the fuck

 

**Scarlet:** Where did that come from?

 

**the queen:** ??? is it though ???

 

**dorko:** excellent question love

 

**dorko:** i don’t know

 

**the queen:** i’m having an existential crisis 

 

**the queen:** if tomato sauce is a smoothie, would tomato soup be a smoothie bowl

 

**demigod:** somehow that makes sense 

 

**Scarlet:** Well you have tomato juice, is tat a smoothie?

 

**Scarlet:** That*

 

**the queen:** tat is a juice, lily it’s in the name

 

**Scarlet:** There’s the fundamental issue, then - what makes a smoothie 

 

**dorko:** i feel like a smoothie is just drinkable blended fruits 

 

**the queen:** ! tomato is a fruit ! 

 

**the God:** does that mean that gazpacho is a smoothie 

 

**demigod:** y’all i’m having an existential crisis can we not

 

**the queen:** fuck i think gazpacho might be a smoothie 

 

**the queen:** a savoury smoothie

 

**Scarlet:** _ “A smoothie is a thick and creamy beverage made from pureed raw fruit, vegetables, and sometimes dairy products (e.g. milk, yogurt, ice-cream or cottage cheese), typically using a blender.[1] Smoothies may be made using other ingredients, such as water, crushed ice, fruit juice, sweeteners (e.g. honey, sugar, stevia, or syrup), whey powder, plant milk, nuts, nut butter, seeds, tea, chocolate, herbal supplements, or nutritional supplements. A smoothie containing dairy products is similar to a milkshake, though the latter typically contains less fruit and often uses ice cream or frozen yogurt.”* _

 

**Scarlet:** By definition tomato sauce would be a smoothie 

 

**demigod:** my whole life has been a lie

 

**the queen:** oh damn

 

**the queen:** thank you encyclopaedia evans

 

**dorko:** who knew i ate smoothies like five times a week

 

**dorko:** jarred smoothie, no less

 

**the queen:** THOUGH 

 

**the queen:** the wiki entry does say *raw* fruits 

 

**the queen:** tomato sauces are usually cooked

 

**the queen:** except for gazpacho 

 

**dorko:** so essentially: gazpacho is a smoothie, tomato sauce is not, tomato soup aren’t smoothie bowls 

 

**the queen:** :-((((

 

**demigod:** i’m gonna start calling them tomato smoothies from now on

 

**the queen:** :-))))))

 

**straightie:** Christ the group had been so quiet all day and I come back to this

 

**straightie:** Also the entry also says beverage 

 

**straightie:** You wouldn’t drink tomato sauce would you

 

**dorko:** i have literally drank marinara straight from the jar before

 

**the God:** there’s nothing like sipping some tomato smoothie in the morning 

 

**dorko:** literally though

 

**straightie:** I stand corrected 

 

**wormtail:** as a culinary student, this whole conversation is very insulting to me 

 

**demigod:** insulting enough for you to text normally 

 

**the God:** y’all keep talking about food crimes we might actually be able to make pete text normally from now on!

 

**wormtail:** jmp ff a clff pds

 

**demigod:** no fighting 

 

**Scarlet:** Also no death threats?????????

 

**the God:** ive been living with this on the daily since i was born im desensitised evans

 

**straightie:** I’m sorry what

 

**the God:** hmm what

  
  


**_[Private message: Sirius & Remus]_ **

**_Sunday 11:01 PM_ **

  
  


**Remus:** forgot to ask earlier but hey are you okay

 

**Sirius:** yeah im fine

 

**Remus:** you sure?

 

**Sirius:** yeah

 

**Sirius:** thanks for asking

 

**Remus:** no problem 

 

**Remus:** i’m still kinda curious about why you were so sad 

 

**Sirius:** its nothing moons its alls good

 

**Remus:** alright 

 

**Remus:** i’m always here for shit talking and covfefe whenever you need it

 

**Sirius:** thanks mate

 

**Remus:** no problem <3

  
  


**_[Private message: James & Sirius]_ **

**_Sunday 11:06 PM_ **

  
  
**Sirius:** im so gone for him fUck 


	12. Of Course Not I’m Not An Animal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just deleted the entire chapter when i tried to copy it from my document and jesus fuck y'all i panicked. but i got it back so !
> 
> [jenn](https://jennandblitz.tumblr.com/) read this through as usuaaaaal

**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Wednesday 10:09 AM_ **

  
  


**the queen:** we’ve been friends for like two weeks 

 

**the queen:** and i literally have no idea what any of you lads study

 

**the queen:** i know the gals, of course, but not you laddies 

 

**the God:** funny, i dont know either 

 

**demigod:** fucking hell pads of course you know what you study

 

**the God:** of course i *know* 

 

**the God:** but its not a subject worth flexing

 

**jimbo:** I study biology and biomedical science 

 

**the queen:** ooooh interesting. any clue what you’re gonna work with when you graduate then?

 

**jimbo:** Nope. No fucking clue. But I reckon it’ll get me somewhere yanno

 

**demigod:** english literature and language and linguistics 

 

**Scarlet:** And yet you don’t text with capitalised letters and proper punctuation 

 

**demigod:** no of course not i’m not a nerd evans

 

**the God:** HA

 

**Scarlet:** Ah well, I study medicine and whatnot 

 

**the God:** funkey

 

**straightie:** I study life draining subjects and depression 

 

**the queen:** it’s law. she’s majoring in law

 

**jimbo:** Ouchie I feel sorry for you

 

**dorko:** philosophy and sociology because why not

 

**the queen:** and i’m majoring in music and theatre studies

 

**demigod:** i didn’t even know you could major in that

 

**the queen:** ah well you can

 

**the queen:** peter said he was a culinary student the other day, so all we gotta know now is what sirius studies

 

**the God:** pffffhhhh no its not that interesting 

 

**Scarlet:** Come oooon

 

**demigod:** he studies computing science and mathematics i have no idea why he’s so ashamed of it

 

**the God:** im not ashamed its just not very interesting 

 

**the God:** i study it for the sole purpose of trying to make robotic ears so i can hear stuff

 

**demigod:** you have them they’re called hearing aids

 

**the queen:** WAIT NO HOLD UP

 

**the queen:** YOU STUDY COMPUTER SHIT

 

**the God:** yes to make new ears

 

**dorko:** i am. so surprised 

 

**Scarlet:** I thought you studied art or something 

 

**the God:** jdhdkshdjs see this is why i never say anything 

 

**the God:** people underestimate me and then think im some try hard who can repair their laptop 

 

**the God:** which i can’t, by the way

 

**the queen:** i am actually like in awe

 

**jimbo:** He’s a fucking smartass who plays dumb

 

**the God:** i dont play dumb prongs i am dumb

 

**demigod:** there’s a difference between dumbassery and intelligence 

 

**demigod:** and padfoot is both

 

**jimbo:** You are so correct 

 

**Scarlet:** … Computing science

 

**Scarlet:** So you know like codes and shit

 

**the God:** yes evans i know codes and shit

 

**the queen:** i really thought you were going to be a pretentious fucker like me and study aesthetics 

 

**the God:** can we please drop the subject 

 

**the God:** yes i am a math gay, no i cant drive a car but i can almost drive a motorcycle 

 

**the God:** yes i am full of surprises 

 

**the God:** no i will not program a school computer into playing porn whenever someone tries to google something pRONGS

 

**jimbo:** LOOK it could’ve been a fun prank

 

**the God:** you cant program a computer into playing porn on its own prongs

 

**demigod:** and instead it almost got all of us expelled for tampering with the library computers 

 

**Scarlet:** Wait what

 

**demigod:** sixth form was wild

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Wednesday 1:31 PM_ **

  
  


**straightie:** I need dick

 

**straightie:** Or murder

 

**straightie:** Law is bullshit I’m becoming an anarchist. I’m dying my hair pink. I’m piercing my nose. I’m gonna suck dick and CHOP IT OFF with a fucking kitchen knife. I know what will happen to me if I get arrested. Law school is teaching me that. Prison will be better than this CRUSHING DEBT I’m digging myself into

 

**Scarlet:** Mary it’s been three weeks are you,, are you okay

 

**straightie:** NO

 

**jimbo:** I feel vaguely threatened 

 

**jimbo:** Mary do you… Do you need a hug

 

**straightie:** ...please

 

**the God:** our dorm is relatively clean if you need to watch a movie or something 

 

**the God:** just dont. dont chop our dicks off please

 

**straightie:** Of course not I’m not an animal 

 

**Scarlet:** ??????????? Are you sure about that

 

**straightie:** It’s just this fucking COURSE I decided to fuckingn major in that’s making me murderous but I’m fine 

 

**jimbo:** Movie time with Padfoot and Prongs!

 

**the God:** ah no im not gonna watch a movie i need closed captions and no one likes that

 

**the God:** im gonna?? do something else

 

**the God:** mary can borrow my bed

  
  


**_[Private message: Sirius & Remus]_ **

**_Wednesday 1:36 PM_ **

  
  


**Sirius:** covfefe?

 

**Remus:** gimmie ten

 

**Sirius:** meet you by the smoking area

 

**Remus:** aight see you boo

  
  


**_[Private message: James & Sirius]_ **

**_Wednesday 1:38 PM_ **

  
  


**Sirius:** _ [Screenshot.covfefe.0] _

 

**Sirius:** WHAT DOES BOO MEAN IN THIS CONTEXT 

 

**James:** Sometimes I think someone needs to reprogram your brain to give you more emotional capacity 

 

**James:** I’ve already told you he likes you, figure it out big brain

 

**Sirius:** i am having a bad brain day i cant use it. no emotion today

 

**James:** He likes you. Boo is a term of endearment. 

 

**Sirius:** oh

 

**Sirius:** fuck

 

**Sirius:** james why did i ask him out on a COFFEE ITS LIKE A DATE

 

**James:** You drink coffee together every other day

 

**Sirius:** BUT NOW I KNOW HE LIKES ME

 

**James:** Mate I have no idea how to help you. Just act as you always do

 

**James:** Clueless and nerdy

 

**Sirius:** im never nerdy i hide everything deep deep DEEP down 

 

**Sirius:** nerdiness, trauma, my secret desire to sometimes be a drag queen. all buried deep within 

 

**James:** Just enjoy your coffee with Moony mate

  
  


**_[Group chat: The Gals™]_ **

**_Wednesday 2:08 PM_ **

  
  


**Lilypad:** Mary are you still murderous

 

**Farmer:** No I’m watching a comedy with James and it’s making me feel better

 

**Farmer:** He’s so calm and collected he should be a therapist 

 

**Farmer:** Didn’t even bat an eye when I hugged him embarrassingly longer than necessary 

 

**Farmer:** I understand why Sirius was so excited about those muscular cuddles

 

**marlo:** mary do you have a crush on him

 

**Farmer:** No, for once I’m not in love with the concept of an amazing guy

 

**Farmer:** I’m independent enough to make it through this shit alone but with the never ending support of my lovely friends

 

**Lilypad:** Christ on a fucking bicycle 

 

**Lilypad:** I was just going to remind you that you have class in like 10 minutes 

 

**Lilypad:** I’m glad you’ve grown more comfortable though

 

**dorko:** i hEARD INDEPENDENCE AND STRENGTH 

 

**dorko:** MY TAROT CARDS HVE BEEN PREDICTING THIS

 

**marlo:** no they have not

 

**dorko:** no they haven’t 

 

**dorko:** bUT MARY I AM SO PROUD OF YOU FOR JUST BEING WHO YOU DESERVE TO BE OMG

 

**Farmer:** Off to class I go! Life isn’t horrible for once!

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Wednesday 10:23 PM_ **

  
  


**the God:** if prongs doesnt stop shooting me with his goddamn nerf gun every time he wants something im going to commit murder

 

**the queen:** what is it with all these murderous tendencies today

 

**straightie:** I’m not murderous anymore

 

**straightie:** Dorko I might pick up yoga or meditation or something 

 

**dorko:** YES!!! I HAVE CONVERTED YOU

 

**straightie:** I converted myself but okay

 

**dorko:** SHUT UP LET ME HAVE THIS

 

**Scarlet:** Hold up  _ @the God  _ what are you on about

 

**the God:** james shoots foam darts at me every time he wants something 

 

**the God:** envision: you are hard of hearing, bordering on deaf on one ear, and what you hear sounds as though it’s coming through a barrier of water. your friend owns a nerf gun. you can’t hear it when it’s getting loaded. you’re laughing at a buzzfeed article. a foam dart hits you right in the temple, almost blinding you

 

**the God:** you are now deaf-blind. all because of a nerf gun you couldn’t hear

 

**the queen:** wait is that actually what it’s like for you without hearing aids

 

**the God:** kinda yeah

  
**the God:** DKDJSJDHSJFFFFFF PRONGS YOU DICK


	13. Memery and Gays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more bad jokes and chaos, beta read by jenn

**_[Group chat: hangover time]_ **

**_Saturday 9:34 AM_ **

  
  


**Small Gay:** all the birds died in 1986

 

**pineapple man:** due to reagan killing them

 

**beard grower:** And replacing them with spies

 

**Small Gay:** that are now watching us

 

**beard grower:** The birds work for the Bourgeoisie 

 

**pineapple man:** we are actually a cult

 

**Small Gay:** a cult of memery and gays

 

**beard grower:** JSJDSKHDHD

 

**beard grower:** Omgdhhddh I’m fucking dying

  
  


**_[beard grower changed to Group name to “Memery and Gays”]_ **

  
  


**wormtail:** wat

 

**wormtail:** wtaf

 

**Small Gay:** you have been accepted into the cult of memery and gays wormy

 

**wormtail:** m nt gay tho

 

**pineapple man:** neither am i and prongs but here we are

 

**Small Gay:** we’re all Not Straight tho which counts for something 

 

**Small Gay:** and memery and gays sounds better than memery and lgbtq+

 

**pineapple man:** true

 

**beard grower:** We’re all a little gay

 

**wormtail:** stl nt gay

 

**beard grower:** We’re all a little queer

 

**wormtail:** :)

 

**pineapple man:** we’re all a lot queer

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Saturday 11:32 AM_ **

  
  


**jimbo:** Sirius can’t reach the ramen packets on top of our bookshelf 

 

**jimbo:** The wee babe

 

**the God:** im 5’10” you fucking tree ent shut the fuck up

 

**demigod:** wee little thing

 

**the God:** shut the fUck up im tall! 

 

**the queen:** why the fuck do you store your ramen packets on top of the bookshelf

 

**the queen:** also sirius i’m taller than you 

 

**the queen:** wee babe

 

**the God:** shut! the fuck!! up!!! i am a tol boy!

 

**demigod:** tiny boyy

 

**the God:** moony you’re fucking 6’4 everyone’s tiny in your eyes

 

**demigod:** except prongs

 

**jimbo:** Fuck yeah! Tall people for the win

 

**Scarlet:** I will fight you all

 

**the God:** evans are you on my side

 

**Scarlet:** Yes I’m 5’6”

 

**the queen:** oh you wee little things!

 

**dorko:** stop bullying the defenseless you heathens 

 

**the God:** i will fuck you up im not defenseless

 

**dorko:** also marlo you’re barely an inch taller than sirius

 

**the queen:** still taller!

 

**the God:** i hate this conversation goodbye thots

 

**demigod:** don’t bang your head on the doorframe when you walk ou- oh nvm

 

**the God:** remus i fuckingg hate you

 

**demigod:** xx :*

  
  


**_[Private message: James & Sirius]_ **

**_Saturday 11:54 AM_ **

  
  


**Sirius:** he sent me kisses hhnngnfhh

 

**James:** I saw

 

**Sirius:** hhhhnnnnnnnhghhhghhgg 

 

**James:** Why don’t you just fucking ask him out

 

**Sirius:** why dont you ask lily on a date

 

**James:** I

 

**James:** Fuck off

  
  


**_[Group chat: Memery and Gays]_ **

**_Saturday 3:37 PM_ **

  
  


**pineapple man:** god why are grindr hookups so useless

 

**pineapple man:** like honestly just let me feel loved for 15 minutes before you get toxic

 

**wormtail:** u say u dnt wnt rlationshps yt stll wnt lve

 

**pineapple man:** it’s different tho innit

 

**pineapple man:** giving a random bloke a blowie and being in a devoted relationship i mean

 

**beard grower:** Yah it’s deffo different 

 

**wormtail:** ait i wudnt kno tbh 

 

**wormtail:** i jst wnna strt a rstrant n cook fr teh rst f m lyf

 

**beard grower:** Hard support

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Saturday 7:32 PM_ **

  
  


**the queen:** controversial topic - do you pronounce it nut-ella or noo-tella

 

**dorko:** marlo don’t throw our petty fights at the group

 

**the queen:** CONTROVERSIAL TOPIC

 

**the God:** it’s nut-ella

 

**dorko:** thank you sirius 

 

**demigod:** yeah it’s nut-ella

 

**the queen:** you HEATHENS it’s nootella

 

**dorko:** it’s not make of fucking hazelnoots though is it

 

**dorko:** it’s fucking NUTella

 

**wormtail:** kinky

 

**the queen:** BUT IT’S FUCKING ITALIAN YOU TIT YOU PRONOUNCE IT NOOTELLA OR YOU DON’T PRONOUNCE IT AT ALL

 

**dorko:** BUT IM FUCKING ENGLISH YOU ARSEWIPE

 

**Scarlet:** LADIES CALM THE FUCK DOWN

 

**jimbo:** Is this what happens when we decide to not drink for one weekend 

 

**marlo:** speak for yourself dorko and i are having wine 

 

**Scarlet:** That explains it I guess

 

**the God:** are we having a partay tho

 

**marlo:** no we’re having date night

 

**demigod:** the lack of partay plans has me already settled in bed in just pants with netflix and beer soz mate

 

**wormtail:** m poor eys

 

**jimbo:** Honestly I heartily support that

 

**straightie:** I wouldn’t mind An Partay

 

**the God:** shall just you and i partay then mary

 

**straightie:** Fuck yeah

 

**the God:** a lousy partay tho because im not getting out of my joggers and hoodie

 

**straightie:** Fuck! Yeah!

 

**Scarlet:** Why are you saying partay 

 

**the God:** were young and dumb let us live evans

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Saturday 9:12 PM_ **

  
  


**the God:** mary and i have come to a conclusion 

 

**jimbo:** Regarding what

 

**the God:** An Conclusion 

 

**straightie:** Remus and Milo from Atlantis are, in fact, the same person 

 

**demigod:** lmao what

 

**Scarlet:** I am intrigued 

 

**the God:** milo something i dont remember his last name: a lanky and tall noodle man who enjoys history and is also a linguistic nerd 

 

**the God:** remus lupin: a tall and lanky noodle man who studies linguistics and would honest to god enjoy a history documentary rather than an action film

 

**straightie:** Uncanny

 

**the God:** the only thing missing is glasses but moony wears reading glasses sometimes so yanno

 

**straightie:** Omg Sirius

 

**straightie:** Moony/Milo

 

**the God:** UNCANNY

 

**demigod:** i am not terribly offended regarding this so called conclusion 

 

**Scarlet:** I’m sorry but all I can think about is how well you’re bonding 

 

**Scarlet:** A few weeks ago you were having some weird limbo of friend zoning and homosexuality and look where you are now

 

**Scarlet:** Truly delightful 

 

**dorko:** marlo and i just googled a pic of milo and honestly we agree

 

**dorko:** all remus literally needs is the glasses and a mid part instead of those strange curls

 

**demigod:** oi

 

**demigod:** my curls are fantastic 

 

**jimbo:** Remus your hair is so dry and those curls would be more fantastic if you like… Took care of them

 

**demigod:** do i look like have the energy to take care of my hair

 

**the God:** it is very dry tbh

 

**demigod:** well it’s my fucking hair innit 

 

**demigod:** let me live in a blissful life of dry hair, intense back pain and jumpers

 

**the God:** you know its actually quite strange how many hair products jim owns, yet nothing seems to work on that untameable mop

 

**jimbo:** Okay first of all fuck you

 

**jimbo:** Second, they do work. My hair quality is FANTASTIC but I choose to embrace the natural chaos

 

**jimbo:** It’s for strength and quality, not for beauty Pads

 

**dorko:** oh i do love a man who takes care of himself

 

**jimbo:** I wash my face too. Exfoliate and everything 

 

**Scarlet:** What an absolute madlad of a man who takes care of himself and all that

 

**the God:** sounds kinda gay if you ask me

 

**jimbo:** Sirius shut up

 

**demigod:** this is an absolute mess

 

**the God:** yeah so anyways mary and i are gonna drink some more wine and then imma teach her some sign

 

**Scarlet:** Whilst drunk?

 

**the God: *** whilst tipsy

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Saturday 11:02 PM_ **

  
  


**straightie:** I have come to yet another conclusion 

 

**straightie:** A bottle and a half of red wine and using your hands to communicate is not the best combination ever, so to speak

 

**Scarlet:** You just used ‘so to speak’ in the weirdest fucking context 

 

**straightie:** So to speak

 

**jimbo:** The never ending chaos this group chat brings me never ceases to astound me

 

**the God:** you contribute to like half the chaos

 

**jimbo:** That’s a lie

 

**jimbo:** Lies and slander, I tell you

 

**demigod:** tbh i feel like sirius and marlene creates most of the chaos here

 

**the God:** yeh well nothing can stop gods so

 

**Scarlet:** I feel like a lot of things can stop Gods

  
**the God:** nothing can stop gods


	14. Thing One and Thing One and Thing One and Thing One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sick and dying (i have a cold) but like hello here's a hot mess of a chapter
> 
> ALSO look at[ this thing ](https://confunded-gryffindor.tumblr.com/post/188732174455/wkjdlwjdkshr-look-at-this-thing-anna-did) breathing-and-stuff made for this chapter i'm kdsfhdkhfk the happiest bloke alive seriously
> 
> anywhoodles this was beta'd by jenn as per usual, hope you enjoy

**_[Group chat: Memery and Gays]_ **

**_Tuesday 3:45 AM_ **

  
  


**pineapple man:** i have decided 

 

**pineapple man:** that i need gauges again

 

**beard grower:** At four in the morning?

 

**pineapple man:** correct

 

**Small Gay:** why

 

**pineapple man:** i changed the subtle lil bead in my nose wing to a gold ring and now i just feel like it’s the thing to do 

 

**Small Gay:** youre not high are you

 

**pineapple man:** i’m sober as a judge, thank you very much

 

**beard grower:** Why the gauges though? Didn’t you decide like six months ago that you’d never get them back

 

**pineapple man:** my lobes haven't healed together yet and i’m having an anxious meltdown 

 

**Small Gay:** do you need a lie in and coffee perhaps 

 

**pineapple man:** yes

 

**pineapple man:** and gauges 

 

**wormtail:** wll u sht up m slepn

 

**Small Gay:** okay ill be over when i wake up with a coffee moony

 

**Small Gay:** now go to sleep

 

**pineapple man:** i miss my emo phase lads

 

**beard grower:** Can you miss your emo phase when it’s not 4 in the morning 

 

**Small Gay:** omg i found my old studded bracelet the other day and i didn’t say anything 

 

**wormtail:** NO NO NOT THE FUCKING BRACELET I STILK HAVE SCARS

 

**Small Gay:** dont u want a lil smack wormy

 

**wormtail:** i will fucking burn that bracelet with a blowtorch 

 

**beard grower:** How to make Wormtail text like a normal person: food crimes and studded bracelet related trauma

 

**wormtail:** eat shit

 

**pineapple man:** should i dye my hair green again

 

**beard grower:** Can you please have this crisis tomorrow when you’re drinking coffee with Pads

 

**Small Gay:** moony go to sleep

 

**Small Gay:** ill be over in a few hours

 

**pineapple man:** fiNe good night 

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Tuesday 12:23 PM_ **

  
  


**the queen:** so when were y’all gonna tell me that remus has both a nose piercing and gauges

 

**Scarlet:** Lol what

 

**the queen:** aye i walked into him and sirius outside the dorms and suddenly he had big tapers in his ears and a fucking ring in his nose

 

**demigod:** i had a phase, grew out of the phase and then grew back into the phase

 

**the God:** i also had a phase

 

**dorko:** crikey

 

**the God:** i still have my billions of earrings but my hair covers them most of the time

 

**demigod:** i had green hair

 

**dorko:** marlene had pink hair for a while

 

**the queen:** EXCUSE YOU SHUT UP

 

**the queen:** lies and slander 

 

**the God:** remus, his ex partner and i were the only emos at our school and no one except james and peter talked to us it was a grand time

 

**demigod:** ah the good ol days

 

**jimbo:** It was traumatic 

 

**wormtail:** yh i stll hve scrs frm teh brclts

 

**the God:** smack smack wormy

 

**dorko:** this is fucking wild

 

**demigod:** anyway i still had my nose piercing but i had the teeniest bead for a while but now i changed it back to my old gold ring

 

**demigod:** and i forced pads to buy me a pair of gauges because why the fuck not

 

**the God:** i literally went to four different tattoo parlours to see if they had gauges like physically *there* so we didnt have to order online

 

**dorko:** marlo has a tongue piercing 

 

**dorko:** just. exposing her emo-ness as well

 

**the queen:** shut uP with your lies and slander 

 

**the God:** how come weve never seen that omg

 

**the queen:** it’s not there for show

 

**jimbo:** What

 

**wormtail:** wht

 

**dorko:** I ALSO HAVE PIERCINGS BY THE WAY 

 

**dorko:** mostly in my ears

 

**Scarlet:** Are y’all really okay

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Tuesday 3:45 PM_ **

  
  


**dorko:** marlo and i have known each other for years and i still get equally bewildered every time she talks to her mum

 

**jimbo:** Why

 

**the queen:** i speak scots

 

**the queen:** but only to my mother so don’t even try anything 

 

**Scarlet:** I think it’s beautiful actually 

 

**jimbo:** Oh Remus does that too? But with Welsh (boo hiss) because his mum is from Wales (boo hiss) obvi

 

**demigod:** literally fuck off

 

**the queen:** i agree with jimbo 

 

**the God:** i speak numbers

 

**the God:** we can all do stuff here haha

 

**jimbo:** And sign! And English!

 

**straightie:** I have been practicing my sign it’s going splendidly 

 

**straightie:** Turns out that learning stuff when you’re drunk on a bottle of cheap red isn’t the best thing to do

 

**straightie:** But I’m much better now that I’m sober!!

 

**the God:** im literally so flattered lejflfkf you know you can just text me when im not wearing my hearing aids

 

**straightie:** Yes but I want to learn 

 

**the God:** lsjfkdjfkf

 

**demigod:** speaking of my welsh mother

 

**demigod:** her hair is purple and blue now

 

**the God:** ICONIC !!

 

**the God:** in this house we stan hope lupin

 

**jimbo:** An actual angel

 

**demigod:** and effie and monty

 

**demigod:** also icons

 

**jimbo:** My mother would've never agreed to me getting piercings and big holes in my ears but go off I guess

 

**the God:** still iconic tho

 

**the God:** she met me once and then like a week later she had learned sign just to talk to me

 

**the queen:** AWWW

 

**demigod:** love effie

  
  


**_[Group chat: ms keisha]_ **

**_Wednesday 2:05 PM_ **

  
  


**the queen:** hey

 

**the queen:** it's halloween

 

**Scarlet:** It's two weeks away can we relax

 

**the queen:** halloweeen man

 

**the God:** HALLOWEEN

  
  


**_[the God renamed the group name to: BOO BITCHES]_ **

  
  


**Scarlet:** Why "boo bitches" and not like spooky scary skeletons or something

 

**dorko: 🎵** sends shivers down your spine🎵

 

**the God:** it takes too long to type out let me live evans

 

**jimbo:** Jesus H fucking Christ

 

**the God:** JAMIE ARE YOU EXCITED FOR OUR COUPLES COSTUME

 

**demigod:** i vore that we all go as the beatles

 

**demigod:** VOTE****

 

**straightie:** Vore is something entirely different

 

**demigod:** can we not bully my typos for jstu one sexond please

 

**the God:** those mustve been intentional

 

**demigod:** THEY WERE NOT

 

**the queen:** what the fuck is vore

 

**straightie:** Do you not read fanfiction Marlo

 

**the queen:** not on a daily basis

 

**Scarlet:** CAN WE NOT LADIES 

 

**demigod:** the beatles lads what do we say

 

**the God:** no lets do queen instead

 

**wormtail:** or kiss

 

**the God:** i have literally no makeup skills wormy that aint happening

 

**jimbo:** We should all go as Thing One and let people try to figure out who Thing Two is 

 

**jimbo:** And there never is a Thing Two, only four Thing Ones

 

**demigod:** genuis let's do it

 

**the queen:** genuis

 

**demigod:** shut your pie hole marlene

 

**Scarlet:** Thing One with the wild hair and glasses, Thing One with the long hair and weird eyes, Thing One with the piercings, Thing One who can actually pull off a midpart and wear graphic tees

 

**the God:** my eyes are not weird

 

**demigod:** they are weird 

 

**Scarlet:** They're grey. Surely, that's weird

  
**the God:** fuck you all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> srsly please check out the art at the beginning of this chapter it's so good


	15. A Picky Eater Who Likes Broccoli

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i have not updated this in ! months!! big fucking yikes!
> 
> so anyway hi i'm still alive here's some chaos for y'all

**_[Group chat: BOO BITCHES]_ **

**_Friday 12:34 PM_ **

  
  


**the God:** so remus and i just went out for brunch

 

**Scarlet:** Don't you have classes

 

**the God:** we went out for brunch

 

**the God:** and  _ @demigod  _ what do you think about avocado toast

 

**demigod:** OKAY

 

**jimbo:** Oh no

 

**demigod:** the entire fucking CONCEPT about avocado is first and foremost just fucking wack

 

**demigod:** who in the FUCK saw this leathery piece of vegetable fruit and went "i want to eat that"

 

**demigod:** it's like a hunk of vegetable butter that you eat from its leathery shell with a motherfucking spoon

 

**demigod:** AND THEN YOU PUT IT ON A PIECE OF TOASTED FUCJING RYE BREAD AS IF RYE BREAD ISN'T ALREADY VILE TO BEGIN WITH

 

**demigod:** and sprinkle salt and chile oil on it like it will make this vegetable rye monstrosity any better???? WHAT THE FUCK 

 

**demigod:** fucking vegetable butter in HUNKS *heave* disgusting i'm telling you

 

**the queen:** you have really strong feelings about avocado toast

 

**demigod:** it was basically all they had at the fucking brunch place 

 

**jimbo:** You make avocado sound like the worst thing on earth when there are definitely worse things

 

**demigod:** no

 

**demigod:** avocado, pretzels, streaky bacon and all cheese except mozzarella and skmetimes like? a blend in a bag, are all the worst foods

 

**the queen:** do you not like streaky bacon

 

**demigod:** absolutely not it's worse than capitalism

 

**dorko:** hey

 

**demigod:** that was extreme but like you know what i mean

 

**jimbo:** I cannot express in words how astounded I was when we all went to an Italian place in London and the waitress asked Moony if he wanted cheese on his pasta Bolognese and he said *no*

 

**the God:** i love cheese so much

 

**the God:** i will have cheese on everything

 

**the queen:** ughjhhg cheese and apples

 

**the queen:** fuck me up 

 

**demigod:** i'm a picky eater and cannot cook so if i could i'd probably live off of chocolate and coffee

 

**the God:** a picky eater who likes broccoli

 

**demigod:** it contains iron! it's good for you! yum!

 

**demigod:** chocolate, coffee and broccoli, a sustainable diet if i do say so myself

 

**the God:** only wormtail can cook between the four of us

 

**jimbo:** Rude.

 

**jimbo:** But not wrong

  
  


**_[Group chat: BOO BITCHES]_ **

**_Friday 8:25 PM_ **

 

**demigod:** no one:

 

**demigod:** my mother, facetiming me at 8 pm when i'm knee deep in some linguistic study: REMUS JOHN, CARIAD, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD GO PINK IN THE HAIR OR BLUE

 

**Scarlet:** What did you tell her

 

**demigod:** to talk to my dad

 

**Scarlet:** What did he decide on, then

 

**demigod:** that i should choose

 

**the God:** HAHAHAH

 

**the queen:** is your middle name john?

 

**demigod:** was that the only thing you could focus on in that message

 

**the queen:** yes 

 

**the God:** moony is the only one with a normal middle name here

 

**the queen:** nae incorrect my middle name is sara that's very normal

 

**jimbo:** Without the H? Doesn't that make it like less normal

 

**the queen:** my parents had to be special in some way

 

 **dorko:** remus JOHN lupin

 

**dorko:** my god what a trainwreck of a name

 

**Scarlet:** Your name is literally Dorcas Meadowes

 

**dorko:** shut up joanne

 

**jimbo:** ?????

 

**Scarlet:** No we're not going there just live with the random Joanne

  
  


**_[Group chat: The Gals™]_ **

**_Saturday 1:34 PM_ **

  
  


**Lilypad:** Just ran into James at the shops

 

**marlo:** did you get my crisps

 

**Lilypad:** I still don't understand why you insist on me walking by your dorm with crisps when Lidl is like. Right the fuck there

 

**marlo:** i'm having A Day and i need dorcas here to cuddle let me live 

 

**marlo:** do you have them or no

 

**Lilypad:** Yes I have your fucking crisps now will you let me speak

 

**marlo:** yeah yeah go on

 

**Lilypad:** I ran into James, and like he looked at me for a solid five seconds before his face did some weird thing and he just looked away like my very existence offends him, and I know you will all tell me that I'm reading into this shit too much but that boy must hate me

 

**Farmer:** Press X to doubt on that one pallo

 

**Lilypad:** Fucking what? He looks at me and Sev like we're the absolute worst, and now I was without Sev and he did the same thing

 

**dorko:** talk to him? have an actual conversation? he has no reason to hate you or snape yet so just ask him why he is Like That

 

**Lilypad:** "Yet"

 

**Lilypad:** You absolute dickhead

 

**dorko:** i am simply saying that reasons could arise

 

**marlo:** look, my scarlet headed baby

 

**Lilypad:** I'm older than you

 

**marlo:** and yet you're my baby, interrupting the flow of my multiple texts

 

**marlo:** if this whole james ordeal bothers you so much, please, just talk to him

 

**marlo:** see what he has to say to justify his supposed hatred

 

**Lilypad:** I couldn't possibly do that

 

**Lilypad:** "Hello fellow biology student, why do you hate me?"

 

**marlo:** sometimes i wonder just how emotionally stunted you can be in situations like these

 

**dorko:** you obviously just don't ask outright "do you hate me"

 

**Farmer:** Agree. Start a normal conversation instead, look at how his body language and general spoken language is and see if it screams hatred or just "I can't talk to humans who aren't my best friends"

 

**Lilypad:** FINE

 

**Lilypad:** Also thank you for letting me ? Be like this

 

**marlo:** we love you lils it's okay

 

**Lilypad:** I love you all you bastards

  
  


**_[Group chat: Memery and Gays]_ **

**_Saturday 1:39 PM_ **

  
  


**beard grower:** Sometimes I wonder how it can be legal for a human being to be this socially awkward around Hot People™ when I have no trouble whatsoever talking to literally anyone else

 

**pineapple man:** did you see lily

 

**beard grower:** I did

 

**beard grower:** And totally goofed it

 

**Small Gay:** thats the absolute worst sentence ive ever read with my own two human eyes

 

**Small Gay:** "totally goofed it"

 

**beard grower:** I have a nerf gun Padfoot and I'm not afraid to use it

 

**Small Gay:** ohhh im quaking in my very boots

 

**wormtail:** stp bein suh n arse pdfot

 

**beard grower:** Thank you Wormy

 

**beard grower:** I don't even understand why I'm Like This around her I have barely talked to her in person it's fucking ridiculous

 

**pineapple man:** are you struggling in biology

 

**beard grower:** What the fuck does that have to do with anything you fucking twit

 

**pineapple man:** shut your mouth are you struggling or no

 

**beard grower:** No I'm not struggling but I could use some extra studying

 

**pineapple man:** perfect

 

**pineapple man:** ask her if she wants a study session with you 

 

**pineapple man:** then you can talk about nerd stuff instead of personal stuff and be decidedly less awkward

 

**Small Gay:** moony you are a fucking genius

 

**beard grower:** Oh

 

**beard grower:** Oh that's actually kind of smart omg okay I'll text her right away

 

**pineapple man:** right away?

 

**beard grower:** Right away yes. No time like the present

 

**pineapple man:** y i k e s  okay

  
  


**_[Private message: James Potter & Lily Evans]_ **

**_Saturday 2:00 PM_ **

  
  


**James Potter:** This is Strange and Awkward and I apologise in advance but hey I could use some extra studying in biology and you're in my class so

 

**James Potter:** Do you perhaps want to have a lil study sesh in the library some day

 

**Lily Evans:** Er

 

 **James Potter:** You're welcome to say no, of course!! Or bring a friend

 

**Lily Evans:** Er no yeah sorry I was just checking my calendar for dates when I'm free no worries

 

**Lily Evans:** I shouldn't have left you hanging like that sorry

 

**James Potter:** Oh! Well! Tell me when you're free and we'll organise something then

 

**Lily Evans:** Yeah absolutely

  
  


**_[Group chat: The Gals™]_ **

**_Saturday 2:06 PM_ **

  
  


**Lilypad:** I hate the lot of you right now

 

**dorko:** you loved us like two seconds ago

 

**Lilypad:** And yet!

 

**Author's Note:**

> leave a comment of what you think, and feel free to check out my tumblr [ confunded-gryffindor ](https://confunded-gryffindor.tumblr.com/)  
> (jenn's tumblr is linked at the top!)


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